Sayvyn

2010-12-15T11:08:00.003+08:00

2010-12-15T11:08:00.001+08:00

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2010-05-01T11:55:00.002+08:00

While held captive by Jack Bauer's superhero (but cannot fly) antics, i was distracted by my just showered fiancee who had a blue checkered towel wrapped around her head like a tudung, with adorably dorky dark-blue rimmed specs, who decided to bring the fruit fork to the right end of her lips in an impossible impersonation of Dr Evil. My reaction (haven't laughed quite so hard in a while) could not have been a more meaningful or resolute answer to any existential question.

I don't care that we are rational beings because we live for the irreverent.

That which is irreverent punctures the fabric of reality and assures us that we live, not in some Matrix, but in our reality, our painful lovely blissful reality.

Humans are rational beings who don't like to be rational (no compelling logic needed for this).

Picked up a copy of IS magazine at the most hideous starbucks in the most hideous shopping mall - ie Great World City -and saw brilliance at work. Walter - the guerilla bunny who assaults our reality - lounging outside some seedy hotel. http://www.insing.com/event/things-to-do/music-nightlife/night-out/Walter-A-Singapore-Art-Exhibition-Of-The-Big-Bunny-Kind/id-f5250000/?nav=40000

I love my reality and my unreality. Murakami's constructed unreality is a dull unreality compared to our unreality. Kim Ki Duk's constructed violence is a dull pin-prick compared to our violence. Our inhumanity is our humanity.

Unable, unwilling

2009-07-26T14:38:00.002+08:00

The badge of arrogance, of human triumph, of fragilty sinks
leaps, the figurehead, to the ocean bed, weary
There is a rest only defeat can award. It is unwelcome until experienced.
In defeat, battles cease.
Weariness points true north, points
respite in the eternal home.

The kings

2008-11-21T00:04:00.002+08:00

*click pop whiz
*click pop whiz

Strutting the floorboards; crowned with cardboard circlet; with verve, waving-wielding a sceptre of strung together empty toilet rolls; commanding horsefeathers; with a sweeping bow, picking up the scraps of a disintegrating royal grab of papermached last week's newspapers, shredded documents, the very readable Details; utter tommy rot.

With this carving knife I crown you knights of the realm of horsefeathers, cardboard circlets, toilet roll sceptres, disintegrating papermache and of course the finest tommyrot - Sir fillintheblanksifyouwantachoiceconsultababynamebookwoot!

2008-06-28T23:57:00.001+08:00

Played badminton with family today.
Celebrated Mom's belated birthday too. Dad held mom's hand.
Life is perfect.

Jessups

2008-04-13T22:40:00.002+08:00

We made it to quarterfinals and were defeated.
We would not have changed anything in how we performed.
And I believe and perhaps hope that anyone and everyone who was in that room would be very proud of us if they had seen how and what we had done. =)
Cheers NUS!

Law school, airplanes and -20

2008-04-03T23:20:00.002+08:00

I woke at 8am in toronto which is very rare for me. 4pm is usual waking up time. I volunteered for the canadian jessups as timekeeper and it was really interesting because it was after a year of not mooting and just basically bumming around and travelling. It's the night before the flight now for jessups. Really proud of the team. And am thankful for the many well-wishes.

I used to like flying but after flying so much the past year I've pretty much got planophobia and some measure of claustrophobia. Which ain't good.

This pretty much marks the end of law school. Okay there's still fam law exam and comparative crim. But yea I think this is the end.

Crap I kinda wish it was 8am again in toronto -20 windchill trudging my way to watch a moot. It's really different now being on this side of the podium. And that's thousands of miles and 72 hours away.

2008-02-21T23:40:00.001+08:00

Singapore is not absolutely wonderful and it is imperfect in many ways. But I am so incredibly proud of Singapore for winning the bid to host the Youth Olympics. Really wonderful news.

2008-02-11T00:27:00.000+08:00

Carelessly unwrapping a CD, hearing the whiz and pop as it goes into the player, sliding on headphones, enveloped in melodies. Gentle bob to the early strains, releasing grip on headphones to do a half dance/snap finger routine. Happiness.

Traffic lights come in pairs, looking like green orbs staring into the darkness. Streetlamps look like unwieldy jellyfish. Gliding along the highway. Cars blazing past look like tracers in the dark. Large pillion riders look like frogs mating. The ordinary, the extraordinary.

Extending fingers into the darkness, feeling but never touching. Have heard it said that light fills a room, haven't quite heard the converse. Darkness is weighty, heavy and real. Like prying away at quicksand.

Dancing, bobbing, snapping fingers, gliding past alien creatures and mating frogs, prying away the quicksand of darkness. Reaching for your fingers and then doing the celebratory rhythmless dance.

2008-02-04T03:11:00.000+08:00

Infinite reaches.
An ode to humanity's triumphs and fall.
I am happy, as your warmth. As your warmth, I am happy.
An ode to the doves, our hearts they have made home.
For destined a songster, wavering as the wind wavers. Youth spent chasing wind.
Regardless the storm besieging our city, my arms around you always, my immutable embrace.
Unbearable, tracing out your silhouette, penning down an eternity of pining.
Should all kingdoms be held hostage to loneliness itself, should all dominions fall before its feet.
Still, I will not run. Nor leave.
Unable to outrun time itself, age passes age.
All that is left is time and melody's duet.

All that is left is the understanding that all that is left was enough. Is enough.

Our Red Room.

2008-01-31T20:12:00.000+08:00

In a room with four walls, whitewashed. Ceiling, floor, bench in the center. He nibbles at his index finger. Hesitation overcomed, teeth parting flesh. Starting at a corner, red on white. Triangle with an uneven side. Deliberately, purposefully, drawing out circles painting them in. And then as is usually how a child indulges in painting with his father, doodling, sketching. Then painting over, layering what must be done over imagination. Finishing two walls. Then three. And then the big masterpiece, the fourth wall. Red, block red. And the ceiling. Starting out with the help of the bench, reaching out as far as his finger could from where he stood, forming an unplanned circle. Pooling what he could from one finger, then two in his palms, tossing it, clumsily, liberally at those vacant spaces. And in this manner covering the ceiling with splotches, almost abstract, almost absurd. Splatter around him under his feet mirroring the red canopy above. Exhausted, of energy, of red. Giving in, sleeping.

2008-01-20T01:34:00.000+08:00

I celebrated my best friend's birthday today. Some people don't change, and that is so good. Some people do, for better or for worse. It doesn't matter that much really. I mean emotionally it does if things take a downturn, and of course you wonder if you're sad for the person or because of the person. But it doesn't in that some things beyond my or our control are simply just that, beyond our control.

Instead, I am beginning to see and appreciate the bits and pieces of people around me. I see all my assumptions crumble for something more real, something more personal in others. It is very humbling. I'm not very old, but i think old enough to appreciate that people change. And old enough to appreciate that everyone is not quite who they seem they are. The story is always very interesting, sometimes moving, and always more complex and meaningful than the assumption attached to impressions.

I have been trying to, i hope, to never assume things and to just genuinely try to discover instead. It's not easy because it means investing emotionally.

A very wise person once said that we must all be merry, and the best kind of merriment isn't flippancy but taking each other very seriously as people, and then having real fun and merriment.

A toast to a very wonderful Aldo for a very wonderful 10 years. And one also to the very wonderful, very real people.

2008-01-09T18:41:00.000+08:00

Humans are animals, someone told me that the other day. I think humans cannot be animals even if biologically we are of flesh and blood and we differ in DNA from our closest neighbours by i think something less than 1%. Humans cannot be animals not because we are physically different. Maybe we are not that different. But humans cannot be animals because humans at their best demonstrate moral courage far beyond any animal. Humans at their worst display a depravity animals will find quite difficult to match. It also isn't because we have that wider range than animals from the good to the bad. Indeed this wider range is evidence actually of something more. Of choice i think. That choice we have to become so infinitely good or infinitely bad.

Good Beginnings

2008-01-02T01:32:00.000+08:00

I know New Year's Day could be any day. But even if symbolic, it means quite a bit to me. I remember the 31st Dec 2006 and I will remember 31st Dec 2007. 2007 was an odd year for me. Many good things happened to me, but somehow I wasn't very happy in 2007. I'm going to change that in 2008 and I guess since it ain't what's happening externally, it has to be with my state of mind.

2008, or at least the first 24 hours of it has been about people and I'm pretty damn determined to make 2008 about relationships. Both with God and with those I love. I think I've gotten tired of good 'stuff.' What I really cherish most are good relationships.

These are good beginnings. Symbolic or not, a new year really does mean new things for me. Psychologically, spiritually, physically, emotionally.

2007-12-26T01:37:00.000+08:00

Christmas is about God's infinite grace. This morning I attended Christmas service with joey, my sister, her other half, three other friends and incredibly, both my parents. I was reminded of the first time I told my parents, and this was 5 years ago, that I was going to attend church. Suffice to say that my dad hates christians and my mom was at most, ambivalent. Fast forward five years: my parents, touched the kindness of christians at their workplace, and consoled to see that my sis and I have, I would like to believe, become better people because of God, think well of Christianity. Although they have yet to accept Christ, it is my greatest and most profound hope that they one day will. This means a lot to me because it means that death will not separate us. After service we visited my aunt's memorial - she died a Christian at the age of forty having lost her battle with cancer. I stood before the memorial and said a prayer out loud and was quite surprised to see that both my parents put their hands together, as if also in prayer, listening to what I had to say. I can't see into the future. I don't know the ending to this story. But there is some peace within because at least I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.

For Truly I am Blessed

2007-12-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

I write this under the influence of sangria and the amazing grace and love in my life. I also write this with the ligament in my left ankle torn leaving me only able to hobble, or walk around with the aid of crutches. It wasn't quite like this just twelve hours ago. Twelve hours ago I was at Blu Jazz Cafe with Joey watching Kerong perform, sitted at the same table as Sylvia and her two other friends whom we bumped into. It was fun. Two hours before that I was trying out a new dining place along Arab street at which I had shawarma: I missed it very much, having had it last in toronto. It was a really wonderful date. Post-Blu Jazz Cafe, Joey and I walked towards what I think is called Parkview Square. By then it was past midnight and that rather eerie gothic building looked, to say the least, in its element. After gauking at the bizarre Gotham city facade I suggested taking a short cut through the field towards where I parked the car. Because it rained hours ago the field was wet and rather muddy. In a moment of spontaneity and foolishness, and maybe chivalry because chivalry is to a large extent gracious foolishness, I carried Joey ostensibly so she wouldn't get her shoes wet and also because it was just quite fun and I think just because. It was that nice a date. Halfway through the field, a gaping pothole set itself up to make a wonderful date just a tad more interesting. Fast forward 30 minutes, I was at SGH's A&E laughing/wincing at how all good dates do not go unpunished. My Dad and sis took us there. It was quite fun save for some of the waiting because my sis, like I, have quite the wicked sense of humour and it didn't take long before everything and anything ended up in silly jokes. My dad although initially quite worried soon gave in and suggested drawing a slipper onto my bare foot which by then swelled to the size deserving only of retired female jazz singers. An xray and a bandage later, I was back at Arab street to drive my car back with my thankfully, not so injured right foot. I forgot to add that when I called home for help to inform that my left foot made some rather nasty noises before bending the direction it usually isn't made to bend in my mom in typical momsy fashion almost screamed the house down with worry. Thanks mom, I know you care.

Fast forward to the next day, Joey stayed over nursed me as required and the very next day I had to sheepishly call up Grace whom I had in the past week made numerous bionic-leg robocop type remarks in relation to her braced knee because of which she had just undergone an operation. And of course, I was deservingly labelled a victim of karma and of course lent a pair of very useful crutches. Undeterred, I semi/hobbled/walked/crutched my way to meet the LAWR people who in typical fashion had quite a lot of funny things to say about my injury which I encouraged because it is really quite funny (there's more than just this account to it). Kerong and Sylvia were of course quite suprised to see a rather fine me 12 hours ago hobbling around like my ankle was made of marzipan. Many laughs later I returned home to face the ordeal that is showering. Again, those that know me know how showering is quite important to me.

Feeling a tad frustrated and lying on my bed, fastforward to an hour ago, midnight, I lay on my bed. Hobbled to the kitchen and distracted myself by whipping up a very edible and yummy mushroom risotto. Opened a bottle of sangria. Greedy and very thin sister who also inherited overly hardworking metabolism ate half my risotto. And I sat there in my dining room, finishing up the plump grains and getting quite intoxicated by this lovely sangria. I looked around my house and stood for quite a while (really a halfstand sort of right leg takes all the weight kinda thing) in front my christmas tree which this year looks quite different from other years because Mom insisted on a red/gold theme that originally faced much opposition from the rest of us who were partial to the nostalgic - every year is the same bunch of ornaments - evergreen mismatched large/small/all types of adorable christmas ornaments which were bought at different times/different places but all placed together on the same tree to get that very nice eclectic effect. And then I walked to the window and looked down to see this truck try to go the wrong direction on a two way lane probably to protest the cannotworkatalldon'tknowwhyitsstillthereERPcharges. It was quite adorable - singapore rebels.

And that brings me to blog about this very personal experience which I long eschewed for cryptic cannot be understood type posts because maybe I think deep down that thankfulness and gratitude to God who gave me all these adorable and quite mad people in my life ought to be shared in a time of thanksgiving. And of course I need to put the spotlight on I think the most beautiful girl who feels quite guilty about the injury to which my response is I don't think the date would have been perfect without it. So yes I think perfect date is lovely restaurant + great music + exploring gothic buildings + stepping into potholes girlfriend in hand + 3 hours of waiting at A&E and getting Xray taken.

Happiness and joy is I think relational, relational to Him and relational to all who He has given. I look forward to much gloating from others who will soon hear the other rather silly aspects of this whole episode and pretty much laughing together about it all round. This has been very fun. Although the torn ligament hurts pretty damn much. Ouch. Ok I think I better go elevate it again. Happy holidays!

2007-11-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

I recently attended my closest cousin's wedding and it was an emotional evening, a happy evening. I was deeply moved, as was my sis, as we watched a video clip, charting my cousin's life leading up till that day, at the end of which she walked in with her new husband as everyone rose to clap. It was very nice, very moving. Equally moving was when her husband assured my grandma, in halting hokkien, that he'll take her back to my grandma's place to talk with her and eat the food she cooks every week. This was especially poignant because, for certain reasons, my grandma played parent to this cousin of mine. I think there was hardly a dry eye amongst the closer family at that time.

Life in its infinite complexity abides with a simplicity that is love. Amongst the truths, love is of the highest order. Love in all forms is the miracle enabling humanity to stand significantly in this infinite universe. In a second, light travels around earth 7 times. But to get to our closest neighbour, Andromeda, it takes light two million years. Imagine then, the ends of this universe which is constantly expanding. In these mysteries, humanity is frail and weak and exceedingly insignificant. But love of course, as a miracle not in that it defies the laws of physics but in its incredible simplicity and power, places humanity on equal terms, in significance, with this universe. Often, the weakest of the weak demonstrate the greatest of the great. And for this, all honour, blessing and power belong to the source of love.

Crazy baby kangaroos

2007-11-08T23:25:00.000+08:00

Is this post to butter you up? Yea probably.
Is this post long overdue? Okay, maybe.
Are you going to say that I haven't blogged about you in a while? Yupyup.
Okay, so you think this post is about you? (unable to resist song reference).

I noticed that my blog's all words and yours is all pictures. It's a bit unnerving especially when I write cryptic and you write real life feelings and things like that. You're this emotionally overflowing floodgate smashing storm. Bizarre, I only know melancholy. Elegant emotion goes solo. None of that snorting cocaine, runaway beats, overpowering bass, splitting profits. Going solo, fat rich single elegant emotion.

You're perfect. Maybe but for that, and this, and that. Repeat.

Stardust

2007-11-03T00:33:00.000+08:00

Stardust is absolutely brilliant. 5 stars, 100 percent, 5 popcorns. Whatever the rating.I don't care what any reviewer says about it. It's the best movie I've seen this year, last year and maybe ever. The writing is excellent. The direction is amazing. And I am in love with the cast. I got the tickets with a voucher but damn it I wouldn't mind paying three times the ticket price to watch it.

Truman Show was wonderful. V for Vendetta was exhilarating. In the mood for love and 2046 were enigmatic. 3 Iron was outstandingly emotional. Be with me's message is as beautiful as it is elegant. But Stardust is just pure entertainment magic. Pure magic. Pure pure magic.

Stardust is Magnificent.

Packing up

2007-10-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

Spent an afternoon chucking clutter, organizing a multitude of things and stuffing more into empty spaces.

My policy has always been, if in doubt, chuck.

I pack my room quite like how I pack my life. Or at least I try to.
I chuck that which I have no reason to keep. Organize the many facets manifested over a quarter of a century. And then it feels real good.

Sometimes we hold on to things which have long become clutter. No reason to keep. No reason to think back on. Chuck if in doubt. So my mental state has been quite like that. Anything negative, or not worth holding on to I forget. Or at least ignore it till it dies a natural death.

The aftermath of an insane afternoon of packing feels good. Holding on for the sake of holding is only detrimental. This applies to many things. Penning a song sometimes requires chucking the whole darn thing and starting again. Writing essays also means no sentimentality to what I already know or have already put down. Mooting very much so, sometimes it is necessary to go up and there and when need be be prepared to chuck everything.

I think maybe the only thing that is not so amenable to this chuck if in doubt policy is relationships. It is the one thing we must actually hold on to sometimes even if it is really chuck-worthy. I don't think I've ever had a meaningful friendship which did not at some point of time feel chuck-worthy. But there is value in tiding over it and that in of itself gives it value to hold on.

Saturday: I had dinner with 3 wonderful people one of whom I haven't seen for 3 years. I hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. We don't chuck people because everyone is chuck-worthy - with extent being the only variable.

I love clearing up the physical clutter. I love clearing up the emotional clutter. But some clutter, human clutter, I hold on to only just because.

Elemental elementary elements

2007-10-27T02:11:00.000+08:00

There's an odd rage that exists in the calm of normalcy. Remove that slipper and smack the person next to you with it and you realise the normalcy is false. The normalcy of normalcy is its victory.

There's an odd melancholy that exists in the most beautiful and joyous of mornings and of course mornings because mornings are happier than any other time of the day. Normalcy.

Who has heard of a joyous night. Darkness rarely lends itself to pure joy. Excitement, happiness, fun. Yes. Of course. But it is hard to be joyful when it is dark. So maybe only morning persons have joy. Yes. Of course.

There is an insanity in all things creative. Reason cannot be reasoned out over creative expression. It is perception and only perception and its logic which defines the subjective value of creative expression.

Can not logic and insanity be happy bedfellows. Of course if logic has logically partitioned insanity as a necessary element. Elemental element elements elemented elements.

Running a million miles in the right direction with everyone else running in the wrong direction is the meaninglessness of being right. Meanginglessness of being right is dependant upon love to be right. Love to be right is elemental element elements based on meaninglessness of love. Love is meaninglessness of meaning of needing to need meaning of elementary meaning of life. Life is meaninglessness of meaning itself because without life elements elementary elemental of meaning could not exist. If existence is dependent on meaning it would be elemental to that which is elementary to that which is non-existent. Non-existence is the recognition of non-recognition an irreducible sum if sums matter. Sums of non-matter cannot matter unless sums in of themselves matter. Insanity in insanity in sanity is sanity in insanity in sanity insanity sanity insanity sanity insanity sanity insanity. Logic has partitioned insanity so that insanity can exist within logic but why does insanity need to exist within logic. So as to be non-destructive. why be non-destructive. so as not to hurt. so as not to deny love. so as not to deny life. so as not to deny meaning if meaning itself had a meaning. elemental elementary elements.

2007-10-27T01:59:00.000+08:00

Gripping the steering wheel with all his life. Blinking away the fatigue. Getting to the point where the primal urge to sleep equals that to survive. A point in which no frivolous extravagances of life matter. No time for excess emotions, or any emotion. It's a wonderful point that strips bare the layers of life that one clothes oneself in out of the necessity of human relationships.

It's like one of those pop-psycho-what-do-you-rescue-when-your-house-is-on-fire-quiz. Only real.

The other day I had a what-do-you-rescue-when-your-house-is-on-fire-moment. It was great. Does wonderful things for perspective.

2007-10-26T10:10:00.000+08:00

Life in all its vulnerabilities, glories, melancholies, triumphs, defeats, and everything in between can be reduced to a wonderful afternoon with sangria and chocolates.

Words

2007-10-22T19:31:00.000+08:00

I came across a catalogue of great speeches in a bookstore in Boston. I saw it again recently at Kino.

Good stuff.

Winston Churchill:

You ask, what is our policy? I say it is to wage war by land, sea, and air. War with all our might and with all the strength God has given us, and to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark and lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy.
You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is victory. Victory at all costs - Victory in spite of all terrors - Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival.

Mandela:

During my lifetime I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people. I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

Groundhog Day

2007-10-18T16:09:00.000+08:00

I feel like I've been here before. Going through the exact same feelings I've always had. I live each day as if I am a child who has endless possibilities to mould, to shape my tomorrow. But of late I am compelled to find that I cannot go back to the days when I want to do certain things or change certain things. I don't know if there is anything I want to change. Honestly, given a chance I would change some things. I think I would shut some people out of my life. I don't know if it is self-flagellation but sometimes I gravitate towards values that I know aren't right.

And then I wonder whether maybe instead of shutting some people out I should blame myself for not being able to not let it affect me. It's bizarre you know. You start to think that you are decently logical common-sensical and if asked in a form of a hypothetical you wouldn't even go anywhere near it with a ten foot pole but then when it happens you do. It's some sort of sickening subjective blindness that just strikes you down when you wanna get up and get out.

I think tolerance is a virtue but sometimes and I think this is maybe more true now, I'm not going to fake tolerance and simmer inside. I know it's wrong but some people really deserve to lose a limb or an eye or be subjected to all sorts of cruel and inhuman treatment. Ok, i think i'm at an extreme.

It's like having a whip that's just ready to lash out. Bring it on. I think I'm a tad tired of internalizing some things and maybe it's time to externalise it. Persuasion only works if you want to persuade. I think sometimes I want to persuade with the finesse of a mace. Some heads are amenable only to the subtleties of a pick axe.

There is a bridge that if you burn you cannot reconstruct. That's actually a great thing cause you don't wanna go back there sometimes. Violence is definitional and whoever says it isn't, it isn't to whoever who says so. And at the moment I say it ain't so.

Crossing over

2007-10-08T00:00:00.000+08:00

When I was a kid, and I think i've said this before, the age of mystery, of being old and of adulthood was 23. So now that I've crossed over to the wrong side of 23, life seems to be zipping into a blur. Life at 24 began with 2 lunches and 2 dinners - one of which was a triple date with my own parents.

I need look no further to the reason why my sis and I are so quirky and eccentric (to those who know me better) than my own parents. Dad was a laugh as usual and mom was just funny in her own momsy sort of way. That my sister's boyfriend is a law year 1 does mean that at the times the conversation was very law-ish and kinda alienated others at the table. But it is nice to be able to have that commonality. I mean if i was forced to talk about thermodynamics or geography or anything like that it would be a dud.

I think we're only as good as our circumstances allow us to be and my family is my most wonderful circumstance.

And of course and ode to my old-ishness I had a bottle of wine at the second dinner instead of pop. Where once red and whites refer to the colours of the singapore flag it now refers to fruity, woody, musky or light liquid enjoyments. I love you guys, guys. You guys (less one in shanghai) are my next best circumstance. Including you guy who took a walk with me in the park after lunch. And of course my first friends in law - you get nostalgic when you get older and especially insecure sometimes so it helps to remember those who helped make these past 4 years a lot easier.

Life is a fruity, loopy journey best seen through a wine glass accompanied with a piano soundtrack and a faith in the one who makes us go through all this - Thank you Lord, I know you don't need to read my blog to know this but it must have taken a lot for you to forgive me and I appreciate it even though I screw up oh so very often, please don't be mad and don't take away all the wonderful blessings in my life. You said that You came to give life and give it more abundantly - I thank You for a very nice 24 years of it.

Promises

2007-10-06T10:38:00.000+08:00

We all make promises, to ourselves or to others.
It is hardest to keep the promise to ourselves, because we tend to just let it slide.
When we make a promise to others, it is a good thing that because we need the other person to let us off the hook we often try to fulfill what we have promised. A kind of discipline.

But when we promise ourselves something, we aren't able to exercise that sort of discipline. Which is why new year resolutions are usually forgotten by february. I made myself a promise recently. I hope i can keep it. Maybe some schizophrenia is going to help.

schizophrenia - the dichotomy that is the emotional and logical. We're all schizophrenic i think. And of course the emotional side is really Mr. Hyde. And we all know Mr. Hyde always wins. This is also why it is hard to practice what we preach.

The best psychiatrists probably have really screwed up lives.

There is a certain finesse one must exercise to control that emotional side. I think EQ is derivative from that. I think Mr. Hyde cannot and will not be controlled by the good doctor because they are two sides of the same coin and we really need something external. We need the one who holds the coin to really stop tossing and flipping it. Freewill kind of determines a sort of 50/50 flipping result. Trust in God to hold that coin is an exercise in that freewill to let it always come heads up.

I'm really not in a heads up moment recently. It's time to be and that's part of the promise.

In the wind

2007-09-27T01:31:00.000+08:00

Have you seen pine forests. They stand in rows, tall, beautiful. Although they are many, there is a loneliness about them in their solitary positions. Only when aided by the winds do they touch and feel another. There is a loneliness in being in crowds that surpasses the singular.

Law IV

2007-09-24T05:52:00.000+08:00

I had 3 ambitions when I was a kid. First, an astronaut because I love space so much. Second, a game music composer for squaresoft. Third, a lawyer.

I remember that week when I was bent on completing my first song for law iv, a melancholic theme. I sat in the debates room at Hart House, UofT. My classes were long over and night falls early that time of the year, winter. It was snowing, as usual. I think that made it a lot easier to compose. Two weeks passed and I had to complete my second song, a tougher song because it had to fit a certain genre I'd never tried before. When that was done too, I didn't give it much thought. A few hours ago I heard these songs play for the last time, the third performance in a three day of Law IV. I'd never heard my music being played or sung before apart from playing it on the piano or singing it myself. So it's quite an experience especially when there's a great band playing and a lovely context in which it was sung.

And someone just gave me a link to a review of law IV and it's great to hear good stuff it.
It's been a great experience. Law IV and Jessups are the best ways for me to end an emotional roller-coaster of 4 years of law school. The friends I've gotten to know along the way just make it all the more amazing.

Dailybread

2007-09-20T19:26:00.000+08:00

I just saw this off dailybread:

Our house in Boise, Idaho, backs up to a park with a walking track. You can see most of the path from our kitchen window, and because of that I’ve learned to recognize people by their walk.
There’s a lawyer from down the street who’s always in a hurry, an elderly man who trudges slowly by, a woman who strides with purposeful steps. Each has a characteristic gait.

The Bible instructs us: “Walk in love, as Christ also has loved us” (Eph. 5:2) and “Walk in wisdom” (Col. 4:5). I ask myself, “Does my walk reflect God’s love and wisdom?” Am I “pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy”? (James 3:17). Do I have love, joy, and peace? Am I tranquil and strong? What do others see as I walk by?

George MacDonald said, “If you who set yourselves to [theorize about] Christianity had set yourselves instead to do the will of the Master, the one object for which the gospel was preached to you, how different would be the condition of that part of the world with which you come into contact.” How different indeed!

Is your life making a difference in the lives around you? Do others see Jesus in what you say and do? —David H. Roper—

Help me to walk so close to Thee That those who know me best can see I live as godly as I pray, And Christ is real from day to day. —Ryberg
For a Christlike walk, keep in step with Jesus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the above is a great challenge. It is immeasurably difficult to be that person in which people see Jesus. It would be a lot easier if we were surrounded by nice people. Because then, it wouldn't take much effort to be nice in return. But of course, it wouldn't be genuine unless we can treaty nasty people the same way. The former I have no problem, it is the latter I struggle with. The best I can do at the moment is try to make it easy for people to be nice by not being nasty. I think it's alot harder to be nice to nasty people. I think the easiest thing to do for now is just to avoid them. At least till I'm ready.

On a similar note, I think on the note of niceness/nastiness, it is a good thing to make it easy for others to be nice. To in a sense treat that person with such goodness that the person, now having experienced such treatment, feels quite the need to pass it on. Sort of pay it forward. Again, not easy considering the self-absorbed nature what it means to be human.

Just before goodnight

2007-09-16T08:02:00.000+08:00

Everyday since I was eight or so I think, I talk with God a little just before I fall asleep.
Sometimes the conversations were earnest, sometimes they bother on the routine and soon I just said what I had to say and then fell asleep - so it became more of just a repetitive thing rather than really talking with God.

But God's providence and faithfulness is really a wonderful thing without which I really can't get through the week. I had a post earlier in which I said of joey, somewhere between closing my eyes and falling asleep is when I think of you and you make it all okay. Well somewhere there too is when I talk to God and He makes it okay in a different way. It's something like the stones by the sea. One of my favourite songs speaks of a person who collects stones by the sea but never once looked up from picking stones to look at the sea. And then when he does look at the sea for the first time and the glory of it all, he's just awe-struck. I think God's a lot like that, like looking at the sea for the first time, everytime, only more.

When I was a kid and was taking swimming lessons, I used to envy the other pool-users who could lie on their backs and just float. I mean this must be a strange thing to admire but seriously I thought it was just the coolest thing to just lie there and float. And I think to a large extent being with God is like that, just lying back and floating and going with His flow and just relying on Him. It might seem really strange but in Christianity, sin is actually about not floating. it is about swimming in the direction that one desires without care for anyone else, sort of self-determination. And not sinning really is about lying back, floating and just relying on Him. It sounds like a really strange analogy because it is so much easier to just lie back and relax but in truth it is quite hard I think. Not only for boyancy level reasons but mainly because of the impatience that kind of takes over once you found a target and want to swim in that direction instead of waiting for the flow to just take you there. So, I don't know but I think I've been swimming hard in a direction impatiently many a time and I think that foolishness has caught up with me. I really just need to lie back.

And I think I really miss the people that make this all worthwhile sometimes. I really miss having the time to spend quality time with friends and family, and girlfriend(okay maybe this one spend alot of time already but she'll surely complain if i don't put this in so this is in). So I kind of miss all of them although I do see them around but its just not being able to hang out for long.

Last night I was at Arab street and walked past Blu Jaz cafe and lo and behold there was Kerong going at the keyboard. So I sat down, had a meal and then chatted with him in between his sets. And gosh I realise that I haven't spoken to him in a long time. And then talking a little about how busyness takes away quality time with people around us sometimes really reminded me that I better get down to meeting some friends whom, some of which i haven't even met since coming back from toronto.

Just before goodnight. There's just not enough time. There're too many people and God and it feels nice actually, it feels nice to know they're there somewhere before my thoughts drift into the night.

He satisfies

2007-08-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

Today was a typical day at church. The lyrics to a particular song moved me very much though. Two words actually: 'He satisfies'

Just as Christ told the woman by the well that he was living water and could eternally and finally quench the thirst within her, so it is true that He satisfies. Completely. That is so true.
It is difficult and not so difficult to explain what it is like to have a thirst for water quenched. It is not so difficult because every living person would know what that is like. But it is so difficult to explain what it really means and is - fully. When God says He satisfies, He means it. The thirst for life is often treated with what is essentially salt-water, temporal, never really satisfying and only serves to make one thirst more. He satisfies indeed.

It is typical to define evil as the opposite of good. But the good which is really good is not just the opposite of evil. It is in a sense self-rewarding. For instance, he who gives to the poor without profitting from it by all technical, financial, wordly calculation, really gains - it is a nice feeling and more than just nice it is really truly rewarding. But evil on the other hand is really just a way of getting what makes one feel good - but feel good in a different way. More of a satisfy a desire sort of way. I.e A person does evil so as to obtain or gain something which satisfies a certain desire that makes a person feel good. It is rare to find one who does evil for evil. But good is self-sustaining, self-rewarding. This is really a very superficial reflection to how God satisfies. Like explaining what it is like to have a thirst for water quenched, it is easy only when another already has experienced it.

He satisfies, He satisfies completely.

I really need a break

2007-08-10T01:57:00.000+08:00

I think I need a break before I break. I miss these moments so much I believed for a moment that time itself would bend to satisfy.

What a difference a day makes

2007-08-07T22:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was about to blog that I had a great day. Today was a terrible day. Maybe terrible because of the past 30 minutes. I'm really tired.

I think to tire is far more emotional than physical. It's easy to solve physical lack of rest. But mental and emotional lack of rest is very difficult to remedy. I'm exhausted. I really am.

It is alot easier to not feel.

2007-08-03T02:07:00.000+08:00

Some things don't change. Just when you think they do, they don't. And they show up in full force to demonstrate that. Why this is so, I often wonder. Often meaning today, now. I suspect that some things refuse to change because the causal factors never did. Symptomatic changes, that was all it ever was.

I recently learnt of great things ordinary people did, revealing their extraordinariness. It is kind of perplexing. And one wonders if without the extraordinary circumstances this would be known.

I speak of the painter who covered precious oil paintings with watercolour so as to protect the great work against the Taliban's indiscriminate burning of all paintings portraying some form of living things. And many more.

I wonder if they knew that they were so truly extraordinary. Or whether they found out only there and then. It is puzzling isn't it. Such questions. It is as if the ordinary day person could be extraordinarily kind. But then the converse is true. The ordinary person could find out his or her extraordinary cruelty. Throw in new adjectives. Anyhow, I think it is possible. If we magnify every current good and current evil, taken to infinity, even if the evil is marginally more than the good, the difference will be infinite. The converse is true.

Extraordinary situations maybe simulate a getting closer to infinity situation.

I ask myself if I am in one of these closer to infinity situations what would happen. If every evil inclination I had had to be multiplied and set off against every good inclination I have. I'm still thinking.

Just thinking

2007-07-31T02:09:00.000+08:00

Lately things haven't been all perfect. Some friends are facing certain issues in life. And some issues call into question what it means to be a friend. I don't like complex things I don't understand. Hahaha. So anyhow, I love compartmentalizing things and drawing systematic relationships between each compartments, detailing specifically what it means.

Even in issues with grey areas I like to compartmentalize what is possibly classified as black or white before then giving the grey area its own classification. As if boxing up uncertainty as an uncontrolled variable gives me greater control in analyzing it.

I thought Sudoku was silly until I discovered it in my handphone. And it gives me a slight thrill to be able to logically isolate relationships between rows/columns/boxes.

But this seemingly overly-logical characteristic sits firmly beside my love for poems/music/creativity that defies logical categorisation. In fact its beauty lies in the lack of categorisation.

I don't know.

Today

2007-07-08T18:01:00.000+08:00

I woke up today
the sky not hue nor grey
A wintry sort of day
So lonely so lovely so perfect in every way
I love you
I love today

Chasing away foul spells

2007-06-30T18:32:00.000+08:00

Waking up from a nap with a mood so foul, it was worth napping about all on its own. Maybe its the bad combination of short sleep and long nap or waking up twice in a day from (quite) deep sleep. I started thinking of scenarios to diffuse this foul spell: riding at top speed on a steamroller through rolling fields of bubblewrap; being in a zorb covered with spikes and bounching through a sea of balloons; using a very porous pillow with self-replenishing feathers to strike repeatedly at scarecrows; skydiving into an incredibly deep pool of mango pudding brandishing a way too sharp sword; using a giant mallet to strike a huge collection of fragile biscuits. I have more - too graphic to print.

Woah!

2007-06-19T00:24:00.000+08:00

Humidity hits me so far back in the head I can't stop sneezing and feeling smothered by Singapore air that is seriously, thick. Far from odourless and whatever other science-lab descriptions of air, Singapore air is seriously freaking thick with whatever is in it. At midnight, I was looking out of my window and the smell in the air, not unpleasant at all, was just loaded with a smell I cannot describe - a smell that is truly Singapore. Maybe it's just the sinuses. It probably is.

In any event, as much as I loved the past amazing 10 months, coming back to Singapore was in some sense a new adventure. I knew - for once without needing the benefit of hindsight - that I've changed. Or at least the way I've perceived things has changed. I can't describe it. It's more of like an open happy, more carefree look at Singapore. It is telling when I stop at the red light and watch the pedestrians cross and marvel at how cute and innocent Singaporean aunties and uncles and ah-bengs and ah-lians and whoever and whatever are. Especially after I've been pickpocketted twice in Italy, Singaporeans really do seem very harmless. And while of course people will still say Singaporeans are not gracious or kiasu or whatever, at the least they're quite harmless. And perhaps all these undesirable labels are just Singaporeans being Singaporean, that is to say being quite like our physical country - very island like. While in Toronto, Canadians and other foreigners (and I say this about other exchange students) seem quite willing to open up to others, Singaporeans are more reticent - this is fine. This is in fact very Singaporean, the mind-your-own-business type of attitude. This doesn't negate the fact that I think comparatively, Singaporeans are very innocent and quite adorable. Okay maybe i haven't been back long enough and am just enjoying the novelty of being back.

Anyhow, I really do love Singapore, save for the humidity. And being away opened my eyes to things about Singapore I never noticed before. Returning has been quite like half returning half exploring. Meeting people I am so familiar with and who bring me so much joy. As well as taking in, looking at, listening to, observing, things I always glossed over. It's a pleasure really. It is like not walking along your favourite path for a few months only to return and realise that the tree you always pass flowers in a most beautiful manner. Singapore is really clean! Everything works!

I love the people, I love the people I know here, I love the food. I hate the humidity. I love the efficiency. I hate the little bubble Singaporeans put up amongst themselves. I love the innocence, the adorable Singaporeanness of Singaporeans. I love playing my own piano again. I love sitting at my own balcony. I love taking five showers a day in my own bathroom. I love cooking now. I love dining out. I love the desire to explore Singapore's arts scene. I'm in this euphoric find-out-about-singapore mood which will soon probably give way to boredom. I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. But for now, I'm lovin it. And that's probably the only damn mood to properly accompany that phrase without Macdonalising it.

Same old, same old

2007-04-25T08:37:00.000+08:00

Same old, same old. Like the day before, and all the days before that. It has to happen, there's just no why. Shadows stretch further, ducking into alleyways and dead-end streets. They lose their walls, their roofs, their fences, their driveways. Houses bleed into stores, stores bleed into cars, cars bleed into shadows, carrying their drivers with them. Has every sunset been like that. I think so, i haven't noticed. Why do I notice it so, only now. Maybe because you have to go, and I, have to stay. Of course, of course, that must be why. Anything is better to notice than this, that you must stay and I must go. Because when you were here, there was nothing else worth noticing. Haha, if there is something worth noticing, it is that silly wit about you. And who best to show this foolishness to than you. It is because I do not laugh, and when I do it is for you, not at you. And why would you think that that would be any different with anyone else. Of course, of course, I did not mean that anyone else would laugh at you, only with you, that must be so. That sounds better. But why is it that when you say these things to me, so light, so happy, your laugh lines I am now so used to, they don't show themselves as they always do when you say these things, these things, so light, so happy. It is dark now, I can nary see a thing, what more for you to see things as small, as insignificant as laugh lines. Those laugh lines to me, are so significant, I just learnt that word the other day. And if it has to have any meaning, it must refer to those lines that tell me so much more than your words, sometimes. And therefore if it is anything I can see in this darkness, it is that. Dear love, is it not said that those who have no time for love have no time. No no, it is said instead that those who have time for love have no time. Yes you must be right, I cannot remember a time spent on anything else since I have known it. And it is the same with I, I cannot remember, but that is just me, I can never remember. You can never remember because you are here and so am I. But soon when you go and it is only I that is here you will remember. Because it is only when I am here and you are here that you need not have to remember since I am right before you. Of course, most certainly you are right, if it is any time to begin to learn to remember it must be the time when you are here and I am not. Tell me again why I have to go. You have to go because you must, same old same old, as it was the day before and all the days before that, all who walk, breathe, love, live must go, it is not why but when. So today you must go. Yes I remember now that you have said all this to me before. There, you are starting to learn to remember. It will be useful because where you go, I cannot follow. At least not now. That is fine as long as you remember to come one day. Most certainly, how can I not learn to remember that when you go and I am here. It is then too that I have use for such a thing as to remember. They tell me that what you say is true. Who does. Your laughlines of course. Silly wit. I tell you what I tell you, no one tells you anything more. That is true. I feel as if I must go now, it is as you say, the houses bleed into stores, the stores bleed into cars, the cars bleed into shadows and carry their drivers with them. And it is also as you say, all I can feel right now is my hand. As is the case for me, all I can feel now is your hand. Then what you say is true, I am leaving and soon it is you that is here, not you and I, just you. What I have said is true, as is the case for many other things I have said not least of all that in a little while, you will not be here, and I will not be here too. Where will you be. Of course of course, you'll be with me. Most certainly, most certainly.

My Automatism

2007-04-23T06:23:00.000+08:00

I woke up today at 7 or so. This strange and unexpected occurrence gave me the chance to remember what the morning sun is like. It is light and happy and bright both in the physical sense and in the emotions it invokes. And so this day began much earlier than it usually does, and usually does refers to 4pm or so. Now that spring is here I can look out my window and see the lake which to me looks no different from the sea in its observable expanse from my bedroom. I can, of course, only see blue and not its movements or any activity on it. A few white birds I romantically believe to be sea birds dot the sky - and it is a rather big sky from my vantage point, seventeen stories above the ground. Or sixteen rather because we do not have a thirteen floor.

Soon I will leave this room and walk out in that direction of the lake because service begins at 7. Mood swings and things of that nature are part of simply being. Some anxiety, some uncertainty, some happiness, some unhappiness. But these usually fade as soon as service begins.

Nothing in this world is not perceived. The lake exists only because I see it. The sea birds are sea birds only because I believe them to be, wishfully because maybe they actually are pigeons. My mood swings are mood swings only because they affect me. But of course I perceive some things to be beyond perception. Able or unable to convince others to perceive it as I do, it exists, to me. Some resolve to experience the ups and downs, some resolve to leave it far behind. Today I resolve to be carried in it and become, temporarily (or so I wishfully believe), an automaton to the torrential feelings a spring day brings.

凌晨感想

2007-04-13T14:43:00.000+08:00

不知有何原因, 这几天开始重新发掘以前所知道的 - 华语能够表达英语所不能的. 可能是因为近期以来常跟室友用华语交谈. 最近也收到一封内容完全是华文的电子邮件. 是我的好朋友在上海寄过来的.他也跟我一样,在做学生交流. 也或许因为我最近看了一部非常杰出的电影:'盛夏光年.' 这种种原因加上身在异乡更使我注意到自己的文化.我看我的哥儿们是不会相信我的部落格竟然会出现此文章. 也还记得当时在初级学院的老师对我考到B3的反应:'政贤,那是你最好的了.不要重考!'
总而言之我虽很高兴英语是我第一语言但我也很庆幸新加坡有双重语言的制度. 在某种程度上觉得华语真的比较亲切.

不聊语言了.

刚刚读一则报道,里面的理论是说人开心与否有百分之八十取決於天生的基因. 虽然是吓了一跳,但...也不出我所料. 我跟我爸很相似. 有时很忧郁,但在朋友面前比较会逗他们笑. 嗨!这是神给我的挑战吧! 但我信神能够以他的力量掩盖那百分之八十的影响吧. 说实在的这九个月以来自己是改变了不少.我现在的个人宗旨是塞翁失马焉知非福 - 不同的是我知道命运的安排不是任性的, 而是神所愿的. 他也承诺了我陪在我身边与我共苦与乐. 是时候惜福了. 永无止境的欲望, 野心, 只能带来无穷的不满. 我只愿能像孩子似的看待每一天,充满期待, 充满乐观 -好像手中能握紧整片天空, 无限的可能, 无限的坚定.

讲到惜福, 在生命中也找到心爱的人. 有她的无厘头, 她的可爱行为也足够填满我空虚的日子.

我有个朋友常说我因为想太多而造成自己不开心. 想一想也是真的. 人太敏感是真的会不高兴. 但我想也是因为环境吧. 最近在蒙特利尔的朋友告诉我她觉得国大法律系的学生跟外国学生比也太过肤浅主管的判定每一个人. 对于这一点真的相比之下多大的学生真的比较开放成熟. 令人佩服. 在这里真的很开心. 但是也快要回去了. 想必身旁的朋友在这九个月也都变了. 好期待回去重新认识大家 - 也重新认识自己.

Rainbow fish and choices

2007-04-03T13:31:00.000+08:00

I watched the Rainbow fish last friday. It was my first time. I've read the book somewhere before but never knew there was a cartoon. And i felt really happy watching the rainbow fish. It's like being a child again where lives are malleable, uncertain, exciting. And there in the cartoon you find pretty much only happy suitable for children themes. So pretty much nothing adult or bleak you'll find. Leaping back into my 23 year old life, I actually thought that thus far I haven't really encountered anything bleak. In a way life has been pretty smooth sailing. And i think all bleakness I've encountered is self-created. So actually, at that point I think my 23 year old life and my child-like escape for 15 mins did not differ too much. 23 is young and old at the same time.

I've read this theory, in theology and criminal theory, that maybe people are a product of their choices. For instance the exercise of choice everyday every moment shifts the central core of that person. To give a simplistic example, a person who chooses to be giving just for an instant moves his central core just a little bit more into a giving person and by layering it the person's central core has shifted. Conversely, the criminal make choices each day which culminate in the crime or anti-social behaviour. There are many other wrinkles to these theories which I'm not going to talk about. So in a nutshell a person's traits are forged by choices and the older one is and thus the more choices one made the harder it is to shift the central core of that person. So when one says a leopard doesn't change its spots it probably refers to this.

So the bad news is that in a way people can't escape their history and are products of their choices, they have to live with it. But the good news is that if one hasn't made too many choices either way or even if one has, it's possible to shift the central core a little more to something else.

Theories are theories after all. I'll think about it a little more after making trying out a week of making different choices.

Winter giving way

2007-04-02T14:07:00.000+08:00

I foolishly thought that winter was already retreating just the other day when i wore what was barely enough for spring. Froze my toes off. I think it was the week before when, still in winter wear, I was strolling to Hart House (UofT's recreational building) and inadvertently looked up. The sky's incredible blue was breathtaking. It was an amazing day. I almost forgot what I was busying with. Standing there in awe, I thought it was days like this that made up for all the others. Snowy, dreary, windy. And so I stood there in awe before I realised that my outward reaction was encouraging the curiosity of others who looked skyward at nothing, nothing out of the ordinary. It's amazing when the ordinary is so awe-inspiring, refreshing, beautiful and above all humbling. It was like being a digit in this spectacular conspiracy called life. I think regardless whether I believe in God or not, looking up at the sky kinda makes me think that if there wasn't an architect, this world is in some way a most beautiful accident. But of course there are so many things about this world so wrong that someone somewhere else would conclude it is a most ugly coincidence. Be that as it may, at the least, this world is extreme. So extreme that even in the inconsistencies in the living conditions of people across this planet there is this most beautiful consistency - a glorious sky more blue than can be imagined, more grey than can be believed, but regardless, an expansive reminder of a beauty this world aspires to.

Something good

2007-03-23T14:54:00.000+08:00

Five years. Wowie. I love thee.

Pictures from a yesteryear.

For a moment I thought we were too far apart, you and I.

But everytime with my eyes closed, exactly at that instant between when images of the day thrust themselves at me and when my mind relinquishes control to sleep; there it is, I take a deep breath, think of you, you're just nearby, and I can't remember what happens next -something good, I think, something good. Something as good as these five years. I love you.

2007-03-09T14:34:00.000+08:00

There is a bus that comes once in quite a while. Not many notice it. Either because of its odd schedule or because most have no reason to board it. It is the bus for the missing, or rather, those who desire that label. It hardly fluctuates, the number of passengers. Maybe a little more towards the end of the year when it becomes harder to bear the reminders of family, lost camaraderie. Noteworthy perhaps were the days after that Monday of 1987. But nothing more, nothing less since then. Today, quarter past four, it was no different. Quarter past four, a time of the day so unnoticeable you wouldn't miss it even if you took it out so that four thirty came immediately after four fourteen.

But that pocket of time was ample for one such as her to decide to board that bus. A walk as elegant as this has hardly graced those awkward steps. It was like one of those times where you would watch the tightrope walker never believing for a moment possible a graceful performance but cheering in the end when it was done. And what of that face, one of those rare ones where character came through far more than beauty. Not that she was not beautiful, it was just that beauty seemed to have no place in this appraisal beside, what would you call it, dignity, pride or something in between. It is difficult to describe to one who hasn't witnessed something like this before, but where one has, this description becomes superfluous, you know what I'm talking about. Age too, one of the first things noticed about a person, seemed also willing to take a backseat. But if pressed to say, she looked fourty.

In a bus such as this, passengers generally had no interest in other passengers. People who choose to go missing are not quite social, even if they once had been. But she was quite difficult not to notice. An inadvertent glance, maybe two. She took her place.

2007-02-28T14:03:00.000+08:00

Hey love, He'll see you through. Where you're hurting I have never been. I can only look on only hoping my incomplete love does what it can.

An Ola from long ago

2007-02-27T11:23:00.000+08:00

From another lifetime I was admitted to computer engineering before I changed my mind the year before admittance. Anyhow, unlike my more talented friends who are in there and whooping up a silicon storm in Shanghai or Acing the computer eng modules, computer-skills have more than degenerated. I wonder how I got through computing in JC. Anyhow, here are some pictures from a couple of weeks ago in Mexico city. Managed to sort out the pictures and upload them without blowing up anything.

The stupendously charming cobblestone streets around the Zocalo, where I stayed for five nights.

This is the land of Corona, and where there is a Corona there is always a delphia close behind:

If Mark should ever lose delphia in the crowds I think a Corona will work like one of those awkward duck mating call whistle whatchamacallit things.

The most amazing Teotihuacan.

It was so touristy I could not for the life of me get a clear shot without a tourist bumbling around this Unesco world heritage site.

The really colourful and vibrant Xochimilco.

The children here are amazingly beautiful and friendly. The joy and hope on their faces rivals Teotihuacan's splendour.

We ate grasshoppers. Delphia's principled objections gave way to a promised case of corona to wash it down.

We spent the last evening in a restored colonial building restaurant with 160 over kinds of tequila. I chose, however, a pina colada. Was just the perfect relaxing drink.

And here's a group pic with our very affable tour-guide who refuses to marry his girlfriend of four years because what does it matter when love is enough. Mexican mexico, flamboyant dorito.

¡CUÍDATE!

2007-02-21T14:48:00.000+08:00

I wondered if I aged, now I know that i did.

I was thinking about happiness and why I hadn't felt it truly for a very long time. Apart from certain past events which culminated in these thoughts, watching the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Faye Wong performing a quite excellent song today helped me expressed what I've been thinking of.

Jim Carrey laid on the frozen-over Charles river with Kate Winslet, something he wouldn't do usually for fear of falling through thin ice. At that moment, grasping her hand, he declared that he was happy; that he never had this feeling before and that was where he wanted to be at that moment. Faye, a singer I love, performed so beautifully an equally famous song, loosely translated as 'I'm willing.' Beyond her amazing vocals, I've always liked her carefree attitude and extremely frank responses when interviewed. A supernova in asian music circles, while idolised by many, her life hasn't been the most perfect. A failed first marriage and high profile failed relationship with Nicholas Tse suggest a rather depressing love life. Most unfortunately Faye never cared as much for her celebrity or her status and popularity, factors which could bolster other embittered souls.

But there is a happy ending. Marrying Li Yapeng against the objections of fans who felt he did not befit her status, it seemed she was beginning to finally find happiness. Her child with him unfortunately had a cleft lip. Seeking treatment in America, Li looked after her attentively. He started a blog in which he detailed each aspect of Faye's health as well as that of their child. He apologised for not revealing earlier to friends and supporters their child's birth defect. Nevertheless his detailed posts in which he wrote about his anguish at the predicament and concern for mother and child moved Faye's fans to support him - they realised he truly cared for her.

A supernova by any means, Faye's sold-out concerts, world-wide media attention and numerous awards, her beauty and immense talent, faded in the face of an attentive and loving husband. In the end, it was not the idolising screams, praises from critics, awards from peers and esteemed judges, that brought the lasting smile to her face, it was truly simply being in the arms of the one she loves. Even the most brilliant supernovas faced darkest hours to be rescued by something as simple, as elaborate, as easy, as difficult, as love.

Turning 24 this year I wondered what I did with my life, where it went, where it is headed. As a child my happiness was looking forward to the future but when that has become the present my happiness seemed to diminish. The belief that an illustrious career, gaining status and popularity, praises from critics, acceptance from peers would give me happiness was a belief I had as a child up till recently. And I admit striving towards all of that.

But one morning a few days ago, I looked out the window and maybe that was when i realised I had truly aged. I felt happy - the future which promised happiness to the me as a child had arrived but it was not achieving any of the goals I used to believe which would bring me happiness. That happiness i felt was simple, untainted and quite small - it welled up in my heart, bringing clarity to my sight as I peered out the window. Suddenly even all the world covered in snow seemed a pleasant prospect. Suddenly everything seemed possible. Suddenly all those goals did not matter. Suddenly it was enough to just be sitting there looking out the window, thinking of Joey, my family, friends and God. I knew I aged, I knew I did not achieve certain goals I set out to achieve originally as a child, but it all did not matter then. I was happy, I was where I wanted to be at that moment. It's quite a long running joke amongst my friends, but even if one day I should become the Chief Justice (apart from reinstating wigs for annoying lawyers), I think the happiness in my life is to drive home, kick off my shoes and get into bed with a tub of ice cream resting between us as we eat our fat faces to the brim. That is my happiness. You are my happiness. God is my happiness. Dad mom sis and rest of the family are my happiness. Guy buddies, law friends and many others are my happiness.

A loose translation of 'I'm willing,' performed by Faye:

Missing a person is a strange and quite intricate thing. It follows you as a shadow would.
Without a trace it surfaces in the deepest recesses of your heart, in a heartbeat it envelops you in the darkest loneliness. Defenceless when night befalls, breathless at the thought of you, I would give everything to be where you are; to tell you that I'm willing, for you, to forget even my name. For just a second more in your arms, losing the world would not mean a thing. For you, I am willing to suffer exile to the furthest horizon as far as the eye can see. For your love, I am willing.

I hope to remember that exact moment. For when besieged by a multitude of expectations and disappointments, successes and failures, it is easy to forget that most simple but yet profound happiness.

If life is a board game, can I go play in the sun instead

2007-02-18T16:21:00.000+08:00

I read Eunice's blog a couple of minutes ago and was quite surprised/not surprised at her frankness. Surprised because I'm not so frank when blogging, not surprised because that frankness was coming from her.

So I think maybe some frankness is refreshing. Life of late, on reflection upon past experiences and conversations is really treated like a game. Where the objective is chalking up points upon completing certain tasks. Points are given for talents, fortune, charm, beauty, niceness, and the list goes on. And it is as if these points are achievable not only when the task is completed but acknowledge by a panel of judges - our peers.

I read a senior's blog where he enjoys suggesting how little effort he puts into his school work, ostensibly to highlight his brilliance when he still does well. So here points are given for brilliance and only when acknowledged by blog readers, his peers, are such points accredited.

And watching a tv interview, celebrities who contribute to charity enjoy proclaiming to the world how much they contribute.

There is also the curious trait of fun had is that declared.

And I write this without judgement but as an observation because clearly I too share in such point-taking and proclaiming.

This creates certain situations where gamers put each other down, this being a game with limited points up for grabs. So the panel of judges put their peers down in order to conserve points which they can obtain - i.e where one's neighbour is poor one looks rich.

And this becomes an ugly game of trying to show up one another in this or that area. Trying to get others to feel bad about themselves in this or that other area. Resulting in the reinforcing of insecurities.

Gamers don't realise this until they speak to someone who doesn't do this. I recall an incident where this game was in progress and I spoke to a very nice girl and it was so refreshing talking to her. You almost let your guard down instantaneously because it appears that she is out of the game and a non-competitor. And that was indeed a delightful conversation.

So I'm taking a break from this board game, I'm going out to play instead. We are what we are. But we deny who we are when we use people as mirrors. Like murky reflections from self-interested surfaces, relying on them as mirrors only reinforces the cycle of ugliness. And it is indeed refreshing for quite a while being able to see from where she was seeing. All of a sudden the game playing becomes obvious. It is like being on the set of a horror movie where the actor wipes off the corn syrup and you realise the blood's fake and it's all make belief. All the game playing with point taking through putting down other gamers becomes more obvious. But when you stop playing the game you are neither a contributor nor competitor for points. So it all slides off you. It becomes almost funny/comical to watch it going on. And it almost results in instant joy.

Well if God is the ultimate judge, or for atheists, if no one is the ultimate judge, what the heck, let's stow the boardgame away and take a hiatus. Go play in the beautiful sun.

A stranger and a friend

2007-02-17T15:42:00.000+08:00

Was looking through pictures to discover this gem of a friend.

Looking quite lonesome and melancholy:

Not quite certain who this creature belonged to:

Clearly it liked food:

And is male:

Ended up playing with it:

It was almost the highlight of our meal:

Okay you're family now:

Grudingly learnt some manners:

To love and be loved in return

2007-02-15T15:03:00.000+08:00

What is it about love that, for the other to shine a little brighter, dims oneself, almost to oblivion. But that in doing so, its rays spread out a little further than it could have alone. To love is to say you are a blessing to me, and me, a weakening meagre attempt to contemplate your love. But it is not just saying that; it is saying with neither false humility nor sadness but truth and joy.

For remembering that the greatest love of all was when He the blameless who deserves all glory took on all darkness unto himself that all shall shine a little brighter, a little forever. Therefore may my love attempt that which I cannot fathom, that you may shine a little brighter at my willing expense. Then that joy which made us complete can make you and I a little more complete too.

All the things in the world, bright and shiny, glittery and gold, compressed into a room behind a door that I shall not enter just for one more moment with you because moments while momentary are forever when I remember.

I love you Joey. Happy Valentine's day - even days forged by commercialism seem innocent, simple and of course beautiful, always beautiful, when thinking about you.

Jan isn't the month to miss

2007-01-31T14:53:00.000+08:00

I miss you quite a bit. This comes as odd in january.

I haven't seen you on my own blog for a while.

Even when you're looking blurry, sneaky, dopey.

January is the month of new beginnings a month where everything seems exciting and nothing can fail. It is December where we begin to colour our memories of the year, resolving to change that which we can. So January isn't the month to miss,so maybe it isn't that time of the year, but gosh I do miss.

The defective

2007-01-31T14:20:00.000+08:00

Dianne told me that I was classic A type personality. Having heard that phrase before but never knowing its implications I looked it up on the web then, a year ago. A type personalities apart from some positive characteristics are not only more prone to stress related heart problems but also seek out the flaws in anything and everything. Armed with this viral personality trait, A type personalities cannot help but focus on the flaws of people and situations. However not being fatalistic, A types try to either change the situation or get the hell out of there.

This I have observed in myself only upon reflection of not too recent memories. Most unfortunately such a viral trait has turned itself upon its carrier and I begin to pick at personal flaws, magnifying them, eradicating them, removing limbs as I go along. How terribly unfortunate it must be for a flawed carrier of a virus unable to tolerate flaws. This sort of internal inconsistency manifests itself by short circuiting rational processes, producing regrettable knee jerk reactions (talking like that comes naturally after attending most airy faery classes at UT). Most unfortunate.

Rationality can take away the symptoms but it is a huge dose of faith that is antiviral. Still trying to get there, the huge dose of faith bit.

I am a cheesy poet

2007-01-26T01:18:00.000+08:00

My Jo told me to write this down:

happiness is a snow fall where you catch the flakes but it melts at your touch
but only when you watch it fall do you truly share its joy

The Beginning of Happiness

2007-01-24T08:31:00.000+08:00

Soon we'll be strolling along the Piazza San Marco, cycling along L'Eixample, getting lost in Barry Gothic, sleeping the day's fatigue away in Las Ramblas. Remind me to breathe in Chianti lest the Tuscan sun binds me in its charms. I'll remind you along Amalfi. Forgive me for the wait at BCN, I'll understand that in Ruzyne and Gatwick. I don't mean to look proud, my cheekbones deny me humility. Love me when I can't. The grandest plans drafted when I'm sitting most quietly sipping tea. The beginning of my happiness. Correction. This is my happiness.

The sum of our past

2007-01-06T14:42:00.000+08:00

We're the sum of our pasts. Even if we choose to forget, others will remember , the historians of our lives. the witnesses to us, good or bad, kind or cruel. So even when we forge a new us, we will be held to that which we no longer recognise. That our history clings to the present us holds us back in too many ways.

Witnesses to our past will not let us go for even when we should live in the present and have divorced our old selves, it is far more perversely enjoyable to talk about ugly pasts than beautiful presents.

Then, that accusers should talk about the old self we no longer know, we ignore. For we ignore that we do not know. Or choose not to know.

Fear has a grip

2006-12-12T09:00:00.000+08:00

I thought about this a few days back. It's about volition. Fear and insecurity invoke more than a feeling. They actually have a kind of physical grip on you. It could be a light squeeze around the heart. Or a rush up the spine. It's as if these factors turn physiological I wouldn't be surprised after all fear as in flight or fight fear churns up the adrenalin. So i think that in identifying these physiological reactions idiosyncratic to one it is possible to diminish its control. for instance, if one is in a particularly testy mood and feels a huge urge to lash out in the form of i don't know some odd rush to the head then one can take that as a signal to do opposite of what one intends. Oddly these feelings or physiological reactions rather to certain attitudes we treat as negative don't feel good. Unlike the impulse of love where one feels light almost frothy or intense and expressive. these feel nice. but those that stem from selfishness, a tightening round the back, or insecurity, a tightening round the heart. these don't feel good. this is all quite pseudo science. it isn't even based on anything. just my gut observation. a physiological observation on physiological observations.

Collage

2006-12-11T14:04:00.000+08:00

Haven't had pics up for a while.

The dream in my reality

2006-12-02T05:29:00.000+08:00

You say my love is all you need to see you through.
But I know these words are not quite true.
Here is the path you're looking for, an open door - leading to a world you long to explore.
Go, if you must move on alone.
I'm going to make it on my own.
Kiss me goodbye, love's memories.
Follow your heart and find your destiny.
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality. You put the dream in my reality.

As time goes by I know you'll see, I love you enough to let you go free.
Go, I will give you wings to fly. Cast all your fears into the sky.
Kiss me goodbye, love's mystery. All of my life I'll hold you close to me.
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality. For you put the dream in my reality.

It is now as time has gone by that I've seen, there you've always been.
Forth from love's mortality forged our eternal we.
Following my heart brought me no closer to destiny, for all my dreams were truly your reality. You loved me enough to let me go free - free to bind myself eternally in your company.

Falling ill

2006-11-15T13:50:00.000+08:00

Having a history of throat infections accompanied by the works I wasn't too surprised when I was struck with it yesterday. The first time i fell ill in toronto. And it was really quite bad. And it being my annual illness I thought of what it was like in past years. I tried to cook this soupy dish mom always cooked as a get-well sorta dish. Put in a tad too much ginger but that kinda helped more in the end. Then I retired to bed at 8pm-goodness-i-never-sleep-so-early-sorta-time-more-of-4amish-time-i'm-used-to. I got up alittle later at 11:30 or so not being able to sleep to pick up some stuff my mom sent me. Ate some aspirin and lied down somemore. Afterwhich the fever got really bad and it wasn't just fever but a general weakness coursing through my being. My suitemate popped by and I carried out a 3 line conversation. Then my head spun and it seemed as if my thought processes could not venture beyond my illness and immediate concerns. Guess it being an annual thing never got me adjusted to it nevertheless. While I knew it would go away sooner or later (sooner if i saw a doc), somehow my thoughts dwelt on that which was most encouraging. Prayed quite a bit while just lying there and unable to get to sleep. Thought of all the wonderful people whom I love, one of whom is visiting me next week. My thoughts never strayed far from Joey, friends, family, the guys, aldo. My mind spent hours on them, and I didn't sleep either. When i woke up the next day it was almost 2. I realised that save for the short break when i left to collect what my mom had sent me I was on the bed for close to 16 hours. And the greatest thing was that I felt a whole lot better. I actually also felt much happier. And i think it wasn't just recovering but spending all that time thinking about my loved ones. By God's grace, that was an amazing experience in the midst of all that discomfort. Given a choice I wouldn't have chosen not to fall ill. It was a good illness indeed.

Wow time's a blazing

2006-11-02T02:10:00.000+08:00

Things have been great. Time pasts way too fast and I think generally the UOFT cirriculum is nothing compared to NUS. it is much more relaxed. BY FAR.

Of course maybe that conclusion was influenced by fact that grades don't count!

Travelling's great although I hate waking up early. Yuck. I've never been accustomed to waking up early and boy does it suck.

But other than that. Great.

I want to hear

2006-10-24T11:07:00.000+08:00

We all need a hero in our life, even if it must be ourselves. Someone who'll watch over us along troubled streets, who'll hold our hand along wintry moors, who'll do what we can't do.

Why do we blame insensitive people for being insensitive? Is it their fault?
We never blame the blind for not being able to see when they crash into us. Why do we blame those who are insensitive when they cannot see what you and I can see (I am pretending that you and I are sensitive).

What about the emotionally handicapped. Why don't they get concessions. Why don't they get forgiveness. Oh how they hate the normal. How they hate the normal.

Why do we ask the emotionally handicapped to feel when we've never asked the lame to walk or the blind to see.

Oh how they hate. How they hate.

I'm not a miracle, you're not a saint. On a road to nowhere. Why don't the emotional fuckwits get a break. We hate ourselves and so when we see the self we hate in others we hate them more.

Maybe those with limited emotional repertoires want more than what they have. Maybe. Why don't they get what they want, they can't for the score is not for sale.

Sometimes angels become devils but I haven't seen the devil become an angel. Why does Satan not repent. Isn't hell an awful place. Isn't the smell of sulfur stifling. Aren't the things of darkness without joy. Isn't it terrible to be hated. And even have the religion devoted to you, Satanism, deny the existence of a devil, choosing instead to worship the self.

Why does science seek answers it knows it can't solve. Why does religion try to persuade those who have already closed their hearts.

We all need a hero in our lives, even if it must be ourselves. But our self has long discarded us, with its vain pursuits and now that the switch has been flicked, it's just too late. Too late. Crumbling paper mache.

Thank you all!

2006-10-08T14:17:00.000+08:00

Hi all and sundry!
I rarely have direct posts but here's one!
Thank you everyone who remembered its my birthday. And of course for those who don't, don't worry I still love you all. Haha.

Thank you my love Joey for smoldering me with Godiva chocs. And for loving me and for emoticons and drawings and actually reading my blog often and for every other thing you would have, already have, possibly will give me past present and future.

Big thank you to Aldo. Big thank you to the guys, Alvin, Justin and HJ. And HG, i'm sure you remembered just you couldn't get to me haha. Wish I could have joined you guys at Botak Jones haha just the name of the place itself makes me curious already.

Thank you KT for that powerpoint slide. Hurray for technology.
Thank you Eunice for the greeting card. Hurry for technology again.

And amazingly, thank you fellow torontonians for not smashing a cake on my face but instead surprising me with it and the most practical presents, a rice cooker, tweezers and nail clipper set muahaha (Which is very important to me here when all the freakin 1 dollar nail clippers I bought can only slice through paper and when I terribly desire to eat rice). Now i have rice to eat and neat nails, finally!

Thank you lovely Swedes for buying me drinks and Amie for being sad that I didn't give you notice for my birthday and the thought of getting me cake. And of course Connie for actually reminding everyone its my birthday.

Okay will return to abstract hard to read, nobody gives a crap because its so obscure posts from here onwards.

From here

2006-10-06T09:58:00.001+08:00

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed, just a little older that's all. You know when you've found it, there's something I've learn, because you feel it when they take it away. Something unusual, something strange, called from nothing at all. But I'm not a miracle, you're not a saint, just another soldier on a road to nowhere. Read me the story of all. Tell it like you still believe, the end of the century. It's a change for you and me.

Toronto

2006-10-06T09:58:00.000+08:00

After all the equivocal metaphysical bladybladyblah entries its time to enter something concrete on life in toronto.

First, yes I've met my goal of making international friends and hanging out with them. However, it does take effort to make friends. Most people have their comfort zone and its not easy to break it. That being said, its been fun, its been great, met a great bunch of people.

Second, yes I've still not neglected my Singapore friends and in fact the weekend trip to montreal was soooooooooooooooo funfunfunfunfunf.

Third, yes i do get lonely and withdrawal symptoms. It happens when you miss your closest friends and girlfriend and family and ofcourse when the fun ends. its like a cycle, before the next high i'm in my low.

Fourth, yea exchange isn't all about fun, but damn it, its been fun! haha, just that I do sometimes wish my Singaporean friends would be a tad more spontaneous but then for reasons I can understand sometimes they can't go all out all the time. Hey i know you guys are going to hammer me for saying this ad nauseum, let's break out of our comfort zone, totally!

Fifth, I actually miss doing some things in Singapore like chilling at starbucks and watching movies at cine and walking by the river.

Sixth, i think i really really love Singapore now. I mean even though I'm having so much fun here I do realise that Singapore is really my home.

Seventh, I'm thankful for the new friendships I've made recently, most of all with Yvette of course after going through some ups and downs together.

Eighth, I'm thankful that us Torontoians are clicking quite abit. Although I think we can still go up a notch.

Nineth, crap, i miss Grace, Nick, Shang bunch coz tonight i felt like going to the harbour and getting some beer/wine and just feeling the wind in my face.

Tenth, hey I wore a hood on a Coach Canada bus and as my earphones shut out the rest of the world and the night fell on me, that pervasive melancholiness was like any pot you find at most street corners.

Eleventh, damn, i wanna work for Linklaters and be a jetsetting lawyer and see more of this world.

Twelveth, I miss my family and while being a jet setting lawyer i wonder if I can spend enough time with them in their old age.

Thirtheenth, anyone in Canada can feel free to drop by to stay/tour/watever! I mean even if you're a friend's friend's friend it would still be great.

Fourthteenth, God, I believe in You and Trust in You. I'm so eager to find fun that I think I've been neglecting the plan you have for me which would probably include fun too. Thank you God. I'm so afraid one day I'll foret all you've done for me. Well perhaps that ain't possible.

Fifthteenth, man, I'm labelled a religious person in religion and public discourse. Its so interesting to say I'm a religious person. For me God has always been more about Him being there for me so much than rites, rituals or what not we associate with religion.

Ah, just a perfect day. You made me forget myself, I thought I was someone else, someone good. It's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you. You just keep me hanging on.

Perfect day

2006-09-21T10:44:00.000+08:00

Just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...

I only wish you well

2006-09-19T11:18:00.000+08:00

I only wish you well.
I hate myself for being unable to express my well wishes amid my insanity.
But only when the voices in my head are silenced do I find that you've disappeared.
I wish you could be safe here. I wish you could be safe here. I only wish you well.

The strangeness of stability

2006-09-19T08:53:00.000+08:00

I found a path I hadn't noticed before, along a route I took daily. Like all curious incidents, this was night. I peered over the gate that was soon coming off its hinges. I took a step forward and soon I strolled along what was a really lonely path. I shielded my eyes from the headlights of an on-coming car. The wind at the moment chose to blind me with dust. By the time I had regained my composure, I knew not where I was. I knew only that my moral compass, my northen star never failed me. I just had to decide if that was where i wanted to go. Possibilities are quite like barbwire threatening to snag your favourite coat should you venture a tad too far. Lest I get caught in my own fantasies, I indulge in what is the greatest reality.

Playing back in my head: "I love you with a fire, blazing till time ends. But what good is a heart when it shudders to speak." What is it about a favourite song.

Things past away, so do we. Relentlessly bouncing emotions off a wall, walled up rooms, gardens. It's hard to imagine anything to fill up a void we enjoy keeping.

My past month

2006-09-17T14:33:00.000+08:00

Amzing, astounding, ups and downs, ins and outs. I think i've grown up by at least 2 years in the past month. Losing asia cup, gaining that experience of meeting fellow competitors, facing great judges. That was all great. Toronto is a blast. Having found a nice core group of exchange students to party with is totally amazing. Just half an hour ago I was in a salsa club with a japanese, swede, british, venezuelan. I think so far the Swedes are my fav, what with the silliness/friendliness.

Totally exhilarating and budgets flying out of the window in every direction. Wheee, spontaneity, I love thee.

Humbled

2006-08-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

Mooting or saying anything for that matter has been something i love immensely. Numerous moot practices haven't changed that but they have humbled me, a lot at that. It's an enriching experience to get cut down in different ways, many ways. Many people, many tastes. To please them all is tough. I wish I had the brilliance to be many things many times.

That being said, I am only as good as my best. And I'm hoping that's good enough for now.

Winning us, losing us

2006-06-25T01:21:00.000+08:00

The instruments of darkness tell us truths, win us with honest trifles to betray us in the deepest consequence.

Evil, the director, hides in the shadows and tugs on the strings of marionettes. By the time we realise we're bound, the curtain comes down, the show is over.

Evil creates situations where we think it is alright to succumb, just a little bit. But the little invariably becomes more. Becomes more.

I fear, I fear that one day I shalln't be able to know evil. Stealthy evil.
We like to think we're creatures of logic. But in truth we're creatures of the logic of that day. A logic that changes. The rational that is random.

I don't want to be won over with honest trifles to be betrayed in the deepest consequence. I don't want to be bound by evil's direction. I don't want to rationalise my transgressions. I can't. Only God can.

Lone warriors of God walk into battles not realising legions of angels advance before them. I can't see, but if I believe, then it is enough. Like treading an unmarked route, avoiding hidden daggers, ambushes, holding steadfastly to my moral compass.

Collage

2006-06-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

Everyone knows the oft quoted live for today. It's because today isn't perfect that we live for tomorrow. Every tomorrow becomes today. The perfection of imperfection is its consistency and prevalence in every aspect of our lives. Perfection is found only in Heaven.

I've been reading an account of the Iraq war written by a chaplain serving with the marines. Providence comes to mind when one reads it. Providence is a beautiful word. It's also a word laden with grace, peace and mercy. It provides an irresistible conclusion. It never fails. No one can know what it must feel like to breach the iraqi border where every minute could be his last unless he's been there. No one can fathom how insignificant the once significant becomes when life is reduced in that instant to the avoidance of death. In the weeks leading up to 5th battalion US marine corp setting off amidst the sandstorm in the kuwaiti desert towards enemy lines, the one thing on their minds was where is God in all this. In that few weeks many were baptised and many attended bible study groups in that very desert.

I haven't had any experience like or even in the slightest close to that. But I've fainted a couple of times before and it is a tremendously terrible experience. I remember when I first fainted and woke up, I couldn't see anything. People sounded like they were speaking to me from the other end of a tunnel. I didn't quite care about my posture or how i was sitting up, if i even was at that time. All i could think of was that this felt worst than death. I actually thought then that death would feel better than that. It was an indescribable feeling. The second time i fainted, in the first few seconds of semi-consciousness my life flashed past me, literally. I saw scenes of the important events in my life. It was terrifying.

When life passes into death, the significant becomes insignificant and what was thought to be insignificant fills the view from corner to corner.

A large part of the Asia cup moot problem involves the Geneva Conventions and how it protects civilians in times of war. I couldn't relate to what I was reading. It just seemed to distant. I couldn't feel the conviction in arguing for the father whose daughter was lost in the war and whose pictures were subsequently sold as pornography. Only after reading the chaplain's personal account could i sense the tension of one in war. Sense, not empathise, i don't think its something one is able to empathise with. Its just too surreal. But at least armed with that sense I could understand the necessity of the application of international humanitarian law and try to make out the case. The surreal becomes somewhat real.

Have you seen a naked person run down the street. I haven't. But I think streakers demonstrate one thing: that clothes are not part of the human body. That behaviour, that societal movement, is the surreal becoming real. It is us living the surreal.

The imperfections of today cannot be tolerated and therefore we live in tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow is perfection until it becomes today.

I just completed watching the third season of the OC whereby there was a major plot twist and fans were complaining ferociously against it. Nevertheless I enjoyed the last episode. The imagery was quite good. Simple but quite good. I enjoy a good bit of the surreal too.

Going to toronto in september is going to be a big change in my lifestyle for a year. Its quite odd, i haven't gotten round to thinking much about it. Just concerning myself with the administrative issues. I'm not too much a fan of regularity so I guess this change is welcome.

Are our lives the sum of its parts. I think i'm old enough to have made mistakes I regret. And you don't get a second chance. You can't change what has happened. I can't change the past. Chronology denies amenability. At the recent sermon the lyrics for a closing song read: "its His blood that took my place in redeeming sacrifice. Washes me whiter than the snow, than the snow." I can hardly grasp my soul a shade whiter than the snow. My imperfections, my mistakes, chronology's dictate. Only God can blot out the mistakes. Only He can pay the penalty which washes everyone whiter than the snow. I can't. No one can. We can turn a new leaf but we cannot erase history.

Yikes, adulthood be gone!

2006-06-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

Just read a blog entry with refreshing honesty. I think the coldest people are the invulnerable. cold because everything slides off them like teflon. you start to doubt if you're gonna stick, if you're gonna have an impact on them. and then after a while you give up.

And i think sometimes we aspire to be the invulnerable. we shrug off our sorrows, cloak the thorns jutting from our sides. in the world of the invulnerable, loneliness is a faithful companion.

That entry i read spoke of vainity as a result of insecurity. A common recurring theme i guess. but that honesty was like a scab needed for a wound to heal.

People need people. the happiest people are those that need people.
I think i must be the happiest then.

But then that makes me afraid that my people will leave on the next train driven by adulthood.

With haojie gone, i kinda miss meeting up with the guys.
With grace gone, i kinda miss meeting with the bunch.
With joey on the mission trip, i kinda miss dates.
With family busy, i kinda miss dinners.
With aldo at work, i kinda miss ditzy outings.
With everyone else somewhere else, i miss everyone.

I've got this clip of kelly strumming tears in heaven and anak. Everytime i listen to it it takes me out of wherever i am to some time quite long ago.

I've got this clip of joey acting dopey that i watch and that makes me happy. Joey makes me happy, thinks about how to make me happy and actually does it.

That's selfless love. I know she'll be annoyed that i'm mentioning kelly in this post, but i think with 4 years under our belt, kelly's an imprint in the sand, when the draft comes it'll all be gone.

Mad dashes

2006-06-01T22:51:00.000+08:00

I'm in 2 minds, literally. The rational mind always seems to lose out to the irrational. It just doesn't make sense, but that's it isn't it.

Its horrid because the irrational mind changes its mind on a whim and then just springs one on you. Caught X3 yesterday and this irrational/rational mind divide determined the fate of the world (or san francisco at least) when Jean Grey couldn't make up her mind as to whether she was Jean Grey the bland or Phoenix the total cuckoo. 'Cuckoo' is an ugly word, double 'o's just shouldn't follow 'k.' Anyhow, so there she was fighting her irrational side and being the woman that she is of course it was one heck of an uphill battle.

So now, its quite like that with everyone. Jerry Seinfeld observed that the world would be a better place if life were like a movie set. So if you said something wrong, the director would yell 'cut cut, let's do that again, come on, follow the script.' And then it'll all be fine. Its not so bad. Not so bad at all.

Am I making sense? I don't think so, but then I'm not too sure what that is at the moment.

I know who holds tomorrow

2006-05-01T23:28:00.000+08:00

Pastor John Ting has a debilitating disease that will bring him home to the Lord. A friend asked if Christians suffer more because Satan will try to bring them down.

That reminded me of this song:

I don't know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day;
I don't borrow from its sunshine, for its sky may turn to gray;
I don't worry over the future, for I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow, And I know who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow, it may bring me poverty;
But the one who feeds the sparrow, is the one who stands by me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm afraid sometimes of tomorrow. I'm afraid when I can't see round the bend. I try to close my eyes and hold tightly to that hand.
Indeed, many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand. But at least I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.

Holidays!

2006-04-29T16:59:00.000+08:00

Holidays started on thursday around 3:40pm with the end of public law. Wheee!
Fabulous holidays, wonderful holidays, holidays - a word if you keep on repeating sounds really strange and foreign. Anyhow, post-exam activity was very nostalgic/secondary schoolish. Bowled 2 games and played Bishibashi! I love Bishibashi. They should make it a 7 player game or something.

Super late night supper helped overload the calories.
Internships and fun law stuff will be making a marked appearance this holidays.
And then its flying flying flying offfff

Okay another note, Heroes of Might and Magic V is slated for release late May. Amazing! Favourite english game!

Making the choice

2006-04-22T01:31:00.000+08:00

No eye has seen and no ear has heard and no mind has ever conceived the glorious things that You have prepared for everyone who has believed.

Someone asked me why do I believe what I believe. I believe what I believe because I believe. Not because I am compelled but because I am compelled by my belief. And this is what I believe.

The world was created by one who loves the created. Because that love is perfect, it gave the created a choice - to remain with the creator or to leave. The created chose to leave. The creator did not give up and gave the created a second chance to return - a high price the creator paid, because God himself took upon all the evils done of this world and was punished for what the created had done.
So now the created can choose again, but unlike in the past where it was to leave God or remain with God, now it is whether to remain in separation with God or to leave this old life and return to God. That is all there is. That is why I believe.

From it there is this: that when the created left the creator, the created made themselves gods or worshipped created gods. That is the explanation as to why the created allow emotions, needs, greeds to be their god and to govern them. Which is why the created say why should i return to God, i am arbiter of my destiny, i am my own god.

From it there is also this: that the created do not know the reason for creation and God made what was a mystery known to the created, a question they have always asked, the meaning of life and creation. The created may ask God if you are God why do you not appear before me - even mortal kings of this world cannot be demanded an audience to, but God chose to appear and those who believed, believe, and those who did not, could not even recognise God when He appeared.

The created should not say I did not know but that I know and chose either to leave or to remain. The choice must be made.

The Gospel of Judas

2006-04-15T15:21:00.000+08:00

5 simple points on why the Gospel of Judas does nothing.

First, it was written 100 to 120 years after the purported events it describes and contradicts accounts written within 25 years of the events (i.e the New Testament Gospels in the Bible).

Second, there are only a handful of copies left as opposed to the more than ten thousand copies of the new testament gospels which were those written 25 years after the event.

Third, it fails to include the fact that Jesus Christ was crucified, something that is recorded in the Roman annals and accepted by historians regardless Christian or not.

Fourth, the New Testament Gospels in the Bible speak at length about these gnostics and how the early church battled their false doctrines.

Fifth, the Gospel of Judas must regard Jesus as insane and not God because the things it claimed that Jesus said contradicts everything else that Jesus preached. I.e. that the only God is God the creator, the Son and the Holy Spirit as divine trinity. Not the idea that God is in everyone of us.

Last, I found it odd how people are willing to believe things without surveying evidence. Even for a small matter like watching a movie, I check the reviews to see if it is good. For matters of life and death and life after death I should think would be of such grave importance that it would only be normal to investigate, read the bible and decide if it is true or false. I am not in the least bit angry about the Da Vinci Code or about the hype on the Gospel of Judas. I am sad that people will be misled but I think that is a result of the prerogative of mankind, freewill to choose what to believe. If people decide to believe that which is flawed or make up their minds without considering evidence, it is their decision. God gave us freewill and we exercise it and in doing so choose our destiny. Acceptance of God or rejection of God. That is all, figuratively and literally.

On Screen Persons

2006-04-13T02:10:00.000+08:00

Watched both Miss Singapore Universe and Why Your Vote is Important.
Thought that the contestants answer amazingly sillyly especially after the New Paper raved about how smart this year's contestants were. The touted smartest, 1st class Cambridge + going on to PHD in MIT, was dismal answering the question with corny lines and just simply going off track. Jade Seah though, not featured nor touted as brilliant, gave really good answers. Really quite hot too. But its quite hard to tell what she looks like beneath all that make-up.

LKY also faced some questioning in Why Your Vote is Important. Instead of flashing a girly smile, sashaying and walking away with the crown, he gave a blow by blow explanation of his policies. And frankly, I'm won over. This guy makes sense! And he's damn smart! On allegations of the Lee dynasty thing he recounted how his son chose to enter politics after his wife's death. LKY advised him to think seriously because he had kids and it is difficult to have much of a family life once one is a politician. LKY said it was no joke nor something to fool around with. It was a serious life decision. The sincerity in his eyes as he said it was really something I don't think anyone can fake.

On GRCs as unfair level playing fields and the whole upgrading incentive thing. He said yes it is unfair to the opposition. But which political party in the world tries to aid the opposition in its bid at the elections. Also, the GRC is pretty much a double edged sword. It leads to walkovers but if the opposition wins it wins big.

And about the voting being a secret thing. That was really farny. Coz this reporter said Singaporeans are afraid of voting against the PAP. LKY actually asked her if she was afraid. And she said she was. It was quite hilarious the whole thing really.

Well anyways, I think his answers were really good and although for the purposes of a public law paper I would point out deficiences in the govt. I think maybe the PAP is the next closest thing to a Madisonian angel. I'm brainwashed. Help!

Ah, Joy!

2006-04-01T22:44:00.000+08:00

Joy!
I haven't been feeling like laugh out happy, but been feeling joyful. A nice peaceful warm feeling that radiates through me. Life is good these days. I enjoy this sem at law school, the topics are interesting and the assignments are actually quite fascinating.

Holiday line up is great. Friends are great. Family is great. Love is great. God is great. Everything is great. Its not perfectly smooth but its nice, its all toasty warm and nice. Perspective i guess.

I pray joy fills the hearts of all around me, ousting pain, sadness and evil. Its quite like that isn't it. When one is so joyful it is difficult to get upset or angry or sad for that matter. Joy gives strength so everything doesn't seem so bad. Its hard to describe. Its like hope love and faith all rolled into one. Or rather the result of all three.

Double life

2006-03-30T12:04:00.000+08:00

I lead a double life. Every night I hit the sheets and plunge into the world of opposites. In my waking hours I am joyful, in my dreams I am angsty and fearful. In the day, nice things happen, in my sleep, the most frightful nightmares jolt me sitting upright in bed. I can't explain it. Its been happening for 2 weeks. Every day is a joy. Every night is some weird adventure.

Its all so bizarre. I wake up thinking woah what was that.
There was this film where the protaganist could not differentiate her waking hours from her dreaming ones. Also, rewatched a bit of 3-iron over cable and it ended with "sometimes it is hard to tell what is a dream and what is reality." Well i'm pretty glad I don't have that problem considering how one is such a tremendously tiring opposite of the other.

That said, this double life is affecting me. My daytime persona carries the shadow of the nighttime horror. But slowly in my dreams I am becoming more optimistic, more able to control that which I could not control. I guess dreamscape is surrendering perhaps.

I love this post

2006-03-26T02:32:00.000+08:00

Picked this up from my friend's blog:

I boarded the bus.
I watched tv mobile for about 10 minutes or so.
I casually turned to look at the person next to me.
It was my first ever ex.

I turned my head back to watch tv mobile.
My heart was beating really quickly.
I tried my best to look like I was casually turning around again.
And then it hit me.

That it was my first ever ex's twin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's a really good post. Suspenseful, heartful, succinct. Great reading.

Snapshot!

2006-03-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

I came home, opened up my laptop and because it reinstated from standby mode, the documents i was working on in the afternoon were still open. I clicked on my equity assignment draft and took a look at what i had done. When i read it it just felt so weirdly unreal. I can't believe i'm writing all that now. it seems so weird. Pre-law school all this would have been just alien. Now its all so familiar and at homeish. its almost freaky.

Oh anyhow, had a really nice family gathering thing for my cousin's year old party. ARPC is moving to bishan too so that's another change to be expected.
Exchange is coming up too and its soon time to leave good old SG. I will miss this place. I can't believe how much i like Singapore now. Its just so odd.

Gone for a year. 2008 is going to be a big year for sg. IRs, observer larger than london eye, circle line, central park sort of thing in marina area.

After today's sermon I realised that i've been postponing happiness for too long. It was being in the army where i started telling myself i'll be happy when its over. and that happiness never really came. Was only happy during sec and jc days. So now i've got some sort of a resolution to be happy. I think that happiness really isn't something that's dependant on the things you have going for you in life. Its so cliche and true.

Okay smiling =)

Just rambling

2006-03-12T15:03:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged for a while. Just hadn't had the urge to actually. But am doing so now anyway. Lovely sunday afternoon.

I used to fall into bouts of depression on sunday in primary school. it was the dread of monday, i.e school, that churned in me repeatedly. it got really bad. i hated school so much then. i would be at my granny's place, as was and is the tradition for sundays, and lay in the bedroom, blasting the aircon at my feet and just looking out the window from the bed. maybe it is the colour of memories but it always felt like i was bathed in a golden light from the brilliant sun we get here. it was some sort of comfort within a really depressing state which i now think was self-induced.

Listless sunday again as it is now. No wish to be out, no wish to be in. just hanging in limbo. no fear of school, nor fear of no school. just drifting i guess.

one of the fishes in the pond jumped out yesterday and landed on the floor. we discovered it only when it was half dead. put it back in the water and it just floated on its side. thought it dead. nursed it a while. it came back to life. it is now semi brain damaged i think for it acts really weirdly. swimming where it usually does not swim and getting bullied by the other fishes.

my phone rang that day and woke me up from a dream. its amazing how we do not remember dreams when we wake up naturally. but when jolted like that it is as if reality and fantasy collide and i woke up in a semi dream state wondering which was which. i remember reality perfectly as did i the dream. how curious. 'curious' is a very alice in wonderland word. when i had the cassette with the book thing where the voice over used to read out 'and things got curiouser and curiouser' after alice fell into the rabbit hole. so it was quite like that. really curious. but then of course reality prevails, it always does.

i had a wrong which i enjoyed. not even within reality. held on to it and it always evoked strange feelings, which i appreciated, but did not bring joy.

i think i'm a happier person comparing this year to last year. i think it is the wearing thin of the shroud of depression cast by the army. it is true isn't it. i think most people who have gone through it and i don't really care if it is a clerical job or a out in forest chasing jack o' lanterns thing, it just makes one depressed. so its a carry on effect. from extremely happy person to mildly depressed person to now mildly happy person.

Napping soon.

Adorable law students

2006-03-05T02:40:00.000+08:00

Law students are really adorable. They're really all made out of the same few moulds. This struck me from the gripes/expressions of joy from year ones. Law students are part self-important, part idealistic, part whiny, part lame, part adorable, part goofy, part insecure, part annoying, part endearing. I heard this gripe about mandatory death sentence from a year one, it just felt so adorably funny to hear the gripe. Perhaps it was because there were a million and one articles expounding the topic in a gazillion other ways. But I suspect it was more of how year ones go all red in the face brimming with idealism about why mandatory death sentencing is bad and they muster a few cutesy arguments about fair trial yadayada or may throw in some separation of powers thingy. Its just so cute. Coz the conviction seems to come more from trying to make a point rather than feeling for the issue. That kind of frothy idealism is both silly and endearing at the same time. I can't quite decide whether it is better to listen to this gripe or actually hear some expert describe the million and one ways it is wrong. I think the former is quite like a little robin singing so loudly and puffing its red chest till its going to burst. Its not going to move a mountain but its just so darn cutesy trying to.

On another occasion, there was the usual gripe about Lawr which every batch gripes about, and there was a senior who commented that lawr assignments are like nothing now after 3 years of law school. I don't quite know why, although the senior is right its just so amusing to hear people gripe about it. Ah i think i'm going nuts blogging about this.

Anyhow, had a great week except for some really frightful dreams.

Epilogue

2006-02-21T05:21:00.000+08:00

Now you are here, again beside me. Now I can die in peace for now my life is blessed.
You will live, you're going to live. It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye. Yes, forbid me now to die. I'll obey, I'll try. On this page I write my last confessions. Read it well when I am at last am sleeping. It's a story of those who always love you.
Come with me where chains will never bind you. All your grief at last, at last behind you. Lord in Heaven look down on him in mercy. Forgive all my trespasses and take me to your glory. Take my hand and lead me to salvation. Take my love for love is everlasting. And remember the truth that once was spoken, to love another person is to see the face of God.

Who's the boss.

2006-02-06T00:52:00.000+08:00

Strength is in the hands of the one who defines. If one is defined by certain conditions and factors, then one is subordinate to those factors. When those factors vary so does one. But if one is defined by a constant, then one is subordinate only to that constant. So as some are defined by their family, friends or wealth, so they too are subordinate to those factors. To be very clear, there is a world of a difference to be defined by one's company as opposed to allowing one's company to reflect what one already is. In the former, one is subordinate to and handicapped without that factor. In the latter one does not change without those factors, one's value and worth remains a constant.

Why this is strength:
A person built on variants will wax and wane as those variants, well, vary. A person built on a constant where the factors around the person merely reflect that person's constant can never fall. (Reading the three little pigs gives one some idea as to this.)

How to test one's building blocks:
If changes in factors XYZ in one's life changes one, then one's building blocks are XYZ. Quite simple. So the bigger issue is what are one's building blocks.

An easy example, compliments.
An simple person began off as a simple person. But because the simple person had some smarts/abilities the simple person succeeds in certain areas. Now the simple person who once did not care for praise is now being showered with it so freely. So we think this is good but the simple person's strength is being ebbed out by those who fawn. The simple person is transferring his strength to his cronies because it is they who validate him now. It is their praise which he has become so accumstomed to. The transferance of power is almost complete. Now they can withold their praise and give him discomfort. They can hurl insults and devastate him. They have come into power.

The easy answer:
Humility. Humility is not a virtue in of itself. it is a manifestation of one refusing to transfer one's powers to others. it is like a tefal pan where everything just slides off. So that the core remains the core. So humility is this reflection of this sort of strength: the refusal to allow anything else to define it.

Many people hedge their bets, anchor themselves in variants, therefore they are only as strong as their variants remain faithful. I.e people, wealth, personal ability etc.
But when these factors fail, they fall.

God is my shepherd. He is the perfect constant because He is faithful and what He promises is as good as done. Sin is to allow one's being to be anchored in variants other than God. The created playing creator.

Take certain issues, anger for one. If one allows anger to control one, then anger is what defines one. One is subordinate to anger, an emotion, raw and without wisdom. Anger has become one's master, anger has mastered one. To be mastered by an unthinking emotion with no moral compass is to become weak. So while anger makes one feel powered, in truth it is just slavery.

There are of course many others. Libido for one, also notorious. Absolute power corrupts absolutely - this is not quite true. One with power will be able to control power, 'power' is wrongly used in that phrase. In truth power is control, and it would be wrong to say that absolute control corrupts absolutely.

What do you do when you're moody.

2006-02-01T22:30:00.000+08:00

Make an cd and play it out taking the car on a spin.
Playing dreadfully melancholy tunes on the piano.
Eating lots.
French loaf + coke.
Cocktail weiner sandwiches.
Fantasizing the impossible.
Haircut.
Grey's anatomy.
Trying out new mixers.
Chocolate.
American Idol.
Oversleeping.
Doodling.
Watching really bad commercials (Carlsberg CNY series; Dodo fishball).
Pretending the future is going to be amazingly exciting and fun.
Talking to God.
Blogging.
Playing Nanaca Crash.

Perplexed

2006-02-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

I don't know if it is the usual school blues after a holiday thing or if its the hot weather + air-con transition process or the interview the client thing tomorrow and hordes of unprepared tutorials or the compiling of articles for law annual. I'm having some sort of a headache.

Le Grand Voyage - Great acting, moving scenes, unexpected twists and a good wholesome sort of movie somehow.

I not stupid too - Not as good as the first one but nevertheless some scenes are such gems they're kinda worth the ticket price.

Fearless- Excellent choregraphy by Yuen Wo Ping. Simply amazing, fast paced without underdeveloping the story line.

Brokeback mountain - Very good acting. A tad slow though. V. nice soundtrack.

I want to watch Be with me again.

Feeling worn out. And the sem has barely started.

Shell

2006-01-16T20:44:00.000+08:00

My laptop's repaired under warranty. Harddisk crash and all my precious data is gone. Am faced with a good-as-new lappy but with not much affection for it. Like a new house, gotta get some furniture, spill some tea, sleep for a bit in it.

But at least am glad that its back.

The Heartiest Laugh Yet

2006-01-09T10:56:00.000+08:00

Came home yesterday after a trip to Hongkong with family. It was so darn fun! I've forgotten how fun it is to travel with family having made trips in the past year with friends and missing one family trip. Had so many laughs with my sis whose humour is very in tuned with mine. Had tea spewing from nostrils every day at dim sum from unrestrained laughter. Ate the most amazing xiao long bao in the world. It was so firm you could bounce it over your neighbour's head and it wouldn't break, but yet with wrapping so thin you can see the soup sloshing side to side. And it tastes so darn great!

Ate dim sum every day and not sick of it! Wanna eat more.

The shopping is great! Maxed out my budget. Went with 3 suitcases but returned with 6.
Weather is fantastic, service is rather good (save for some canto chauvinistic creatures which go at you with a machete when you speak English.) Managed to look incredibly spaced out when sales person speaks canto to me. Thankfully mom can speak canto fluently and did some pretty incredible bargaining.

Cathay Pacific must have retrained its staff, they were so polite this time round till I accidentally nudged a stewardess' butt. But even then a quickly issued apology resolved things.

Great way to start the year.

Everyone

2006-01-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

Dear everyone in my life,
I hope you're all happy. I know you are all loved. I wish I could witness all your smiles and stand by all your tears. Take care. I pray that we'll all be there when the curtain falls, in joy.

Markers

2005-12-26T22:01:00.000+08:00

So this is Christmas.

I had markers lying around & a letter from the New Zealand Police rejecting my contest against a fine.

It just wandered on.

Haha.

Snuck closer.

Offered it some food.

Looks really happy.

Bear resting.

Looked around my table for more stuff.

I love the hue.

Moods and colours.

Wombat haven.

I wanna contact the living.

Just fading, blurring.

Life has too many surprises.

The furthest distance

2005-12-26T04:19:00.000+08:00

The furthest distance is that between the head and the heart.
Sometimes knowing doesn't mean doing. It instead leads to guilt from failure to do.
The fight was over before it started. The heart wins.

While the mind can temper it, the heart instructs the mind not to. Its an odd cycle the effect of which gives power ultimately to the heart.

Running that further distance is never enough. Need wings to cross that chasm. Like an angel.
Like an angel.

An un-airy-faery post.

2005-12-24T02:25:00.000+08:00

The holidays really pass way too fast!
Its terrible!
I've set out alot of things like learning french, cooking etc all of which have fallen away in the face of doing fun things that do not really value add. But anyways that's what the holidays are for.

Recently, I kicked a lady who crept up on me in body combat class. The bloody class was so freakin full and she still squeezed behind me. When we did some silly back kicks i hit her squarely on her hip.

Attended a really enjoyable xmas play put up by Grace's church. Family attended and the sermon was just so darn apt! Love God immensely. He's been doing some really wonderful things. (As always).

Am kinda gearing up for a 2day xmas thingy coming on. Celebration after celebration followed by a 2 day break and then 3 other celebrations and then some time abroad with family. Its so hectic-ly great!!!

Haha but then sometimes when i'm having alot of fun i suddenly miss just sitting on my bed or beside the pond looking at the fishes and reading Narnia or the other truckload of stuff I've borrowed from the library.

Then I've also been playing around alot of with my lumix FX9 which I totally love. Its fabulous!
I was wrong about you, Panasonic, all this while!

Had a great day with Joey celebrating her 21st birthday and her friends are really amazing with their coordination.

Thank God immensely for granting Joey the minor miracle with her academic life.

Bought 2 puffs from Delifrance after attempting to pay for just 1 when told that can get 2nd one for only 40 cents. Ended up hating the ordeal of trying to finish the puffs and just told self that shall not be greedy as before.

Been ridiculously lucid about the not so good stuff am doing and am in correction mode.

Underwater world has some really bloody huge crabs. How can there be such huge crabs! Its really freakin scary.

Ability to cook pasta is totally going downhill.

Right. And am slowly learning to put all security in God.

That's all for now.

Exquisite emotions

2005-12-23T01:46:00.000+08:00

Like perfumes with the top, heart and base notes so are emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger and fear are simple emotions. Not too complex. Personally I like melancholy, its top note is mystery and the unknown, the middle note an odd tainted sadness and the bottom note must be a composite of self-pity and masochism. All in all bound by optimism, the fixative. For those who are melancholy are never really sad, enjoy the present circumstance and look forward with hope.

Also, bittersweet is another exquisite emotion. It is a tug of war between the head and heart stretching you to limits you never felt before - till you crumble to pieces. It is extremely exquisite because it is so very complex. It has altruism, passion, self-centeredness, happiness, longing, satisfaction, envy and actually leaves a physical taste in the mouth. It is loving without the capacity to love. It is desiring without the right to desire. It is also a very old type of composite emotion. Done to death in movies but never gotten quite right.

Then of course there is joy. Joy transcends happiness or sadness. Joy is kind of uncompromising security and hope and optimism. Joy is all things bright and lovely. Joy is also altruistic and often breeds love or vice versa. Of all exquisite emotions, Joy must be the hardest and yet the easiest to attain - for it demands that we put down what we hanker for most and if decided upon can be acted on immediately.

My prayer

2005-12-15T23:58:00.000+08:00

My love, chaos answers your request for normalcy.
Tears frame your lovely face.
You try your very best but fall again.
He knows your faithfulness; every tear you cry is precious in His eye.
Your sigh echoes in the deepest crevice of space.
Your frown ripples, reaching every brook and stream.
He will wipe every tear and frown from your eye.
He knows how hard you've tried.
He will give mercy and grace.
Love will follows you to the end of days.

A strange kind of nonchalance

2005-12-15T01:00:00.002+08:00

Its been a few days since I returned from AnnTIC. The camp has been such a blessing. The people, the sermons, God speaking to me. Been feeling way to self-reliant and self-deterministic before that. Its hard not too, no excuse though.

My house's been repainted. A cheery/rather romantic lilac coverse 2 walls. We put in a pond in the balcony and its been such an incredible joy to watch the fishes swim. Though they're a tad scared of me and I have to do some odd leopard crawl so they can't seem me and then pop up closer to the side of the pond and sneak a peak at them. Failing which they would just hide behind the fountain.

Actually alot has changed pre and post anntic. Certain issues I had, certain struggles were made clearer. And of course the visible enemy is far easier to overcome. But I don't know, sometimes sin is packaged like the finest gift box across time. You just want to undo that lovely knot. Feel the velvet top and the way the sides end in corners. And the scent reaches deep within you and sort of half hooks and half caresses your heart. When you leave it, you sigh deeply but once sober, once the spell is broken, once the charm has been disarmed, once that beautiful smile degenerates into a twisted face, all you can do is either lament if you opened it or be glad you didn't.

I hate the fact that sin is so wirily crafted to exploit my human weakness.

I went for the Josh Macdowell talk. I was very moved at the final part when he called for those who said the sinners prayer with him to walk down the aisle and many came forward. I feel a tad regretful that I did not ask my friend if he wanted to walk down that aisle when I found out later that he did say the sinner's prayer. I pray that from this day forth may he shed the chains and walk with freedom and joy. =)

Another strange thing happened. A secondary school acquaintance who had fallen into debt due to a gambling habit and quit school even called my handphone by mistake. It so happens that I was talking about him to a friend who knew him better the night before. He says his dad is in hospital and needs money. Although he called me by mistake i think it could be God's will. I provided him with 2 numbers, one to assist him in medical expenses and the other to assist him in his gambling debt, both run by churches. I also told him that God is a God of the desperate, the weak, the down, the people who've failed, the destitute for Jesus said that He did not come mainly for the righteous and good but chiefly for the evil. I don't know what's going to happen from that moment forth, but I also pray that he'll find Christ at the end of that darkest avenue, that moment in time where the moon devours the sun and each day is spent running from debtors and in the deepest darkness.

Went out quite a bit, been gyming with Nick and Shang. Haha the classes are pretty fun. Did some body combat thing and looked like a fool coz everyone in the class was pretty experienced, even this auntie infront of me had her uppercuts and knee raises done quite well. I think I could defeat the flabbiest of teddy bears.

Going to HK to do a bit of shopping. I won't be seeing joey for more than 1 week this holidays. She's going off from 21st to 3rd and i'll be gone from 3rd to 7th. I guess this puts me to the loneliness test.

Speaking of loneliness, Xmas is coming and I'm reminded of Mariah's "I miss you most at Xmas" (probably not accurate title). Well this brings me to the title of this entry. I think most of us have a strange kind of nonchalance. We're afraid to open ourselves to others for fear of being overly exposed. Often we leave a few steps behind we can take incase something bad happens. Well i think at this time of the year we can afford to give people the chance to hurt or to relate to us deeper =). Its Xmas, God allowed Himself to be hurt in the deepest way to give us a relationship with Him.

Although I'm feeling a tad uncertain about stuff right now, struggling sometimes, feeling out of breath and taken over by the rush of the amazing thing that is life, I somehow think that I'm in the right place, in the right time, in the loveliest company, in the most beautiful family, with the funniest friends, with the most silly thoughts to accompany me, with the most perfect chance to be vulnerable.

Thank you God, I love you. Thank you all the people in my life, love you all incredibly. If God gave me the chance before His second coming, before my death to make a thank you speech, I think eternity would find that I would make a dent in its vastness.